Thursday, December 8, 2011

Newt and the Christian Right.

I broke my own rule, yesterday. I was going to go a full campaign without "blue humor," and I used a very appropriate example in a way that I knew would get laughter and prove my point. The email responses which I received were near universally supportive...except for the one I got from the friend to whom I had made the original promise. The email was full of laughter, and the promise I had broken was never mentioned. But somehow, I could hear a "sigh".

I'm taking just a minute to renew ny commitment. This blog will always be funny. It will, in fact, tend toward the use of irony, sarcasm, and occasionally a bit of razor-wire, to get its points across. No prisoners will be taken. But, I will leave the innuendo to, well...innuendo.

Having said that, I have yet another dilemma at 2:44 A.M. on this unusually cool morning. When I speak or write about politics and the Christian Right, I tend to sound "preachy" when I neither intend that, or have any right to take that tone. If you hear that, and want to call me out...knock yourself out.

I once wrote the following, in response to a reactionary right-wing minister who was defending both the CIA torture of American Citizens, and the actions of a political, sexual and societal deviant...who just happened to have the same ideas as my Christian Brother concerning what was "right for America".

"In end times, there shall walk among you, false prophets. They shall be lead by fornicators, adulterers, usurers, thieves, and those engaging in all forms of deception. They shall grow in numbers greater than that of my disciples, and take the name GOP. Take heed and repent, for this is how Ye shall know I am coming. For these are the final days. In this moment, when the faithful call upon me, I shall respond with a smile and draw Ye into my bossom. Likewise when those of this world cry out, I will say, I never knew Ye."

Now...I was in such a humorous mood when Herman Cain "withdrew," that my very first inclination was to write a song parody based on the classic, "The Night They Laid Old Dixie Down". Of course, this one is called, "The Night I First Laid Ginger Down". And, while I'm loathe to actually admit this...in the interest of full disclosure, I did write a song parody for (shoot me now) Rush Limbaugh during the Clinton years entitled, "She'll Be Hummin' 'Round the White House When He Cums". I think you can figure out the musical inspiration for that little diddy.

The bottom-line here is that even though there can be no justification for adultery...At the time Clinton's decades of indiscretion made its way back to the front page, not even the Christian Right was as upset about the adultery, as they were excited about having something "ON" people who disagreed with them...not spiritually, but politically, and, not that they intended to use Clinton to foster the cause of marital fidelity...but to smokescreen the flaws in other candidates for political office, whose positions wouldn't necessarily gore one of their more prized oxen

And then came Newt.

I thought, ya know...I don't want to write about Newt because...YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS?
NEWT?

The man's own mother named him after a lizard and called him "Newtie" before he even had a chance to grow into the roll of a total ass clown.

Forget the fact that in his own mind, he walks on both air and water, and could save Israel by simply eating the Gaza Strip. Apparently he started on that task even before formally announcing for president.

Okay, I'm willing to forget about that. But, what else do I have to forget about, if I'm going to cast a vote for this name made famous by fictional witches throwing something into a boiling pot?

Newt is working on his third marriage. His first marriage ended when he served his then wife with divorce papers...while she was in the hospital and immediately after she had been diagnosed with cancer. Oh...on a side note. Newt sought the divorce from his cancer-riddled wife...to immediately marry his mistress.

Round Two of marriage mania didn't turn out the way Newtie had hoped either. Or, maybe it did. It just didn't turn out the way his former concubine turned Lordette of the Manor, might have scripted. Rooty-Tooty Fat-N-Snooty ended up layin' a little paper on Mommy #2...be-cause he was bedding down one of his office staff. On a side note...Newt was having this affair, and dispatching this wife, while standing daily in the well if the House if Representatives demanding the impeachment of Bill Clinton...for having an affair with a co-worker...on government time...in a government building, and...you get the picture.

Hold that thought. Just know that Newt again, at least had the courtesy to marry the fornicatress and "make an honest woman out of her".

Too bad he didn't start that process with himself.

Not long after taking on Mommy Numerous Tres...Newt took on the House Ethics Committee. After a 30 month investigation into his conduct both as a Member and Speaker of the House, Newt was charged with EIGHTY FOUR separate violations if the Code of Professional Responsibility of the US House of Representatives.  To avoid further issue, the prospect of criminal indictment, and as a means to make a bad day finally end...Newt resigned his Speakership, and...like Sarah Palin...QUIT before being fired. On a side note...Newt accepted a $300,000.00 FINE, as additional penalty for his ethical violations...where the origin of a number of those allegations were "fraud," "deceit" and the wanton and random display of a number of additional upstanding personality traits.

Well...if there's nothing else to forget, I think I could still...

Whoa, Bubba! We ain't done yet.

Like his brothers before him...he's a workin' man. (Yeah, yeah, yeah...it's a line from the Herman Cain song parody...so sue me.)

And, work he did...on milking the government, the taxpayer, and even corporations and foreign governments out of literally hundreds of millions of dollars. At the same time, and with multiple sources of questionable compensation for each, Newt, since he was forced to resign from THE VERY LAST PUBLIC POSITION HE HELD, is a lobbyist, an alleged professor, an author, a consultant, the founder of more than three dozen not for profit entities, and the subject of IRS and other investigations.

Newt has been paid by the US Government, by Fannie & Freddie...even as he rips others for dining at the government trough, Newt continues to replay the scene where he damned Bill Clinton publicly, for virtually identical contact.

Newt has forced foreign governments to hire family members, and accepted substantial gifts and other compensation from foreign citizens, corporations and governments in return for his uncanny and unexplainable ability to influence the conduct of the same House if Representatives...THAT ESSENTIALLY THREW HIM OUT!

But...on yet another side note; Newt's "faith" appears non-existent until the age of 27, when he joined a Baptist Church and was baptized...shortly before his first congressional campaign. At this point, I refer my readers to the countless Christian examples set by Newt which have been previously addressed
In 2009, after Mr. Obama's election, after the financial meltdown, and at a time when it was apparent he would be running for president, Newt returned to church for the first time in decades...but to the Catholic Church. The explanation this time? Mommy Numerous Tres is Catholic, and Newt now claimed that he had "embraced Catholicism as the true faith" for quite some time, and after meeting with the Pope in 2008, he saw such peace on the Pope's face that he knew what he must do.

On a side note to a side note...Pope Benedict has been more controversial than anyone thought even a German Pope could gave been...fending off allegations up to and including that he was directly involved in the transferring of child rapists to avoid prosecution...WHILE HE WAS PERSONALLY DECRYING ANYTHING TO DO WITH PRIESTS RAPING CHILDREN.

Well...at least Newt has something in common with the Pope.

And now...Newt is being hailed BY BAPTISTS...as a candidate worthy of not only their support, but the support of anyone wanting to "save America from the depths of Hell...and from a man who went to church with his family every week WHEN HE WASN'T RUNNING FOR OFFICE."

Hey don't get me wrong. I'm NOT an Obama guy...not this time anyway. But, to have the reactionary Christian political right, FOR A SPLIT SECOND claim that Newt Leroy Gingrich is God's Messenger...forgiveness and redemption being aside...is a JOKE!

I had this conversation with a Christian Brother yesterday and closed with these two observations.
In the past...while in church, I prayed repeatedly for the souls of those who did not know Christ. More and more, I find myself praying for the souls of the people I'm sitting next to.

And, in the case of Newt...It's a darn good thing that Jesus rose from the dead, because if he had not, and was informed that NEWT was his new MESSENGER...he would literally be rolling in his tomb.

Okay...more serious today than funny, but...check back with me tomorrow.

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