Sunday, December 11, 2011

Would You Like Something To Wash That Foot Down?

God, I love watching debates. Especially Presidential debates. Especially republican Presidential debates. Especially republican Presidential debates where something unexpectedly wacky occurs. Because, nothing unexpectedly wacky ever occurs in republican Presidential debates.

Well...it sorta usually, kinda ALWAYS DOES. But then, I guess you could kinda see this joke a mile away.

Just like last night's republican Presidential debate results...almost.

I refuse to spend any great deal. of time on Mitt Romney's invitation to have Rick Perry either stop misquoting something Romney actually wrote...or BET HIM $10,000.00 THAT PERRY WAS GETTING THE WORDS JUMBLED.

Okay...Mitt...Did you not see the movie Caddyshack? Where Rodney Dangerfield was trying to goad Ted Knight into a bet on the golf course? In that case, Knight's character, a crusty elitist...not unlike yourself...simply responded by reminding Rodney, "Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, Sir..."

And...Mitt...unless you changed your name to Willard Mitt "Running Bear" yesterday afternoon and got a permit pushed through the Bureau of Indian Casino Gaming...in record time...

GAMBLING IS ILLEGAL IN IOWA, SIR...

The really funny part wasn't that Mitt spoke those words, or, that he was wearing the, "Pardon me, but I do believe I've SOILED MYSELF" look for the next half hour. The really funny part was that the free translation of the answer he had given RIGHT BEFORE THIS ONE...was when he looked at Newtie and said, "...CHARACTER COUNTS!"

Or...maybe the REALLY funny part was the entire Running Bear Spin Machine simultaneously driving sharp sticks into their own eyes even before he said it...because...they just saw that look in his eye. "Ya know he's got that...look."

Okay, I swear...I'm NOT gonna talk about the Romney $10,000.00 bet any more.

So, get this...this morning, the Romney guys are saying this is a POSITIVE...because everybody said Mitt was just too nice of a guy, and had no fire in him.

Of course, you know I expected that thought to close by the Romney aide saying, "...FIRE...GOOD!" But, then I am a comedy slut and always want it ALL! Maybe Running Bear just needs a better comedywriter?

Now...for the brief analysis of the other 119 minutes of the debate.

It might be easiest to work from the two extremes back to the center...logistically speaking. So what if they did kinda line up that way idiotillogically, as well.

Mrs. Botchmann and Randle McMurhpy Santorum may have been the two biggest surprises of the night. Mrs. Botchmann may have been both calmed and energized by ABC's nonstop cut shots featuring the way too happy pie-face of her Man-Wife in the family section. It honestly allowed her to at least stradle the line of lucidity...until her closing statement...which was her 17th invitation to the six remaining Herman Cain supporters to "climb up on this horse and RIDE!"

NOTE TO MRS. BOTCHMAN: If you don't have them by the 16th attempt...CLOSE WITH SOMETHING ELSE!

The bad news for Newtie is...until that Botched Botchmann Closing Statement...the woman had some juice going. And...your plea for redemption notwithstanding...I'm not guessing the Guns & God crowd is on your team, yet...Newtie.

Now...Senator Sanatarium, on the other hand...obviously downed a triple dose from old Nurse Ratchet...IMMEDIATELY before coming onto the stage. I've known this fine example of Stone Cold Batshit Crazy for over twenty years...

I NEVER heard Rick Santorum sound closer to being an actual human being with a modest amount of functioning brain wave activity...until last night. He even earned the right to have his name not be abused by me. (Just this once...of course.)

For as much raving as the post-debate hacks were doing regarding Newtie "holding his own"...the worst news of the night for Gingrich was that Sanatarium appeared sane enough to convince some number of the 42% of the religious vote that went to Mike Chuckleberry in 2008 to give him a look. Gingrich is the Anti-Romney Flavor of the Week. He wanted and needed to be the Anti-Mormon Flavor of the Party, too. All he needed was for Santorum to be himself. DAMN those psychotics when they take their meds! DAMN them to Hell!  Eh, Newtie?

Rick Perry...well...I honestly had a tough time hearing much of what he said until he gave the "I was born...a poor black child" speech as his closing. I know that plays well in East Bumfuck, Teeeeeeexas. But, to me...it was just one more reason to put him in the blender and hit frappe'.

Nothing wrong with growing up, or being poor. I'm riiiiiiiight that witcha, Ricky Ticky. But...the question was, "WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD TO SACRIFICE SOMETHING...AND WHAT WAS IT?" Which...of course had NOTHING TO DO WITH YO MOMMY SEWING THE TUX FOR YOUR SENIOR PROM.

Ron Paul...wow! Thank you for reading my advice to you from earlier in the week. You weren't begging for relevance. Your jabs at yourself over your previous lack of relevance were great. And..not only did the crowd get it...but, SO DID THE OTHER CANDIDATES! You were made "real" last night, Ron. The rest is up to you. Jazz that college-age base over the holiday, and make me look like a hero on January 3rd!

Mitt...Mitt...Mitt...You'll keep the establishment crowd, and no doubt trot out an endorsement or two, or three a day the rest of the way. 'Cause...that's how you guys roll. You were worried about zingin' Newtie...and ya zunged yourself. Ordinarily, I hate when that happens. Today...I REALLY HATE when that happens, because well...Newton LeRoy McPherson-Gingrich...IS THE DEVIL!

Can you recover? Sure, as I told you yesterday...you weren't going to win Iowa, anyway. However...my friend, and fellow new member of the Sac & Fox Nation...If you don't KILL in New Hampshire...look for the Search Committee to get another round of headhunting in, real soon after. Rough night, my new found Native American Brother. You may wish to log a few more hours in The Hawkeye State before heading off to the Great Salt Lake for the holiday.

Oh...and Mitt...is this the first time you've actually soiled the Magic Underwear?

Newtie...

Newtie...Newtie...Newtie...

Weeks ago, you chided moderators for encouraging republicans to not make nice...AND LAST NIGHT...

...you take Mitt back to the baggage car and put one in his ear!

Splain, yo seff, you fat lizard.

Oh...wait...that kinda does explain it.

You mean that stuff all of your old republican colleagues said about you being 2, 3, and even 4 faced...was TRUE?

SAY IT AIN'T SO, NEWTIE!

Okay, short & sweet on Newt. He held his own with the moderators, and Mitt...and probably ended up in a sleazy motel afterward with the Governor of Iowa...given the number of invitations made during the evening.

Newtie was helped by Romney, hurt by Santorum, modestly injured by Mrs. Botchmann...and was more open & notorious regarding the insignificance of Rick Perry, than the others. Any bounce he gets from Mitt's flub, probably is more than offset by the losses he suffers by Christians flocking to Randle McMurphy Sanatarium. Biggest downside of the night for Newtie...look for the White House to see him as viable.

That...will not be pretty.

Changes to Iowa prediction...None...

...yet.

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