Friday, January 27, 2012

Alfred Hitchcock Couldn't Make This Stuff Up...

Wow! Where to even begin?

Mitt slams Newt for going from state to state promising the works to every local interest group...and then promptly becomes appalled at the thought of being labeled "anti-immigration"...IN FLORIDA...when in point of fact a good two-thirds of republicans in virtually every other starte demand a fifty foot fence around the entire country...and a fifty dollar bounty for shooting anybody who happens to make it over, under, or thru said fence.

Newt slams Romney on his investments in Fannie & Freddie...right before Romney announces that Newt is invested in both entities, as well.

Romney defends his Swiss bank accounts, even to Newt's satisfaction...only to find out after the debate that Mitt's own campaign admits Romney had NOT properly registered, disclosed, OR  paid taxes on them.

Even Wolf got into the fray. At the opening of the debate, Wolf said he would be giving equal treatment to everyone. Twenty-three minutes in...Santorum had one minute of time,  Ron Paul was given two minutes, and Newt and Romney each got ten  minutes.

And, during the twenty minute battle royal, Mitt  and Newt  were officially inducted into the Three STOOGES HALL OF FAME...and it was Tricky Ricky Sanitarium who paraded out his 93 year old mother, told all the parts about his wonderful wife that didn't include her spending eight years sleeping with a guy AS OLD AS RICK'S MOTHER...and crying yet again about the dying daughter he loves so much that he stops in to see her once a year...even though any day could be her last.

However, since Ron Paul could never be seen as a guy that would demand that you, "PICK TWO" even if he ever really became angry...you would have to acknowledge that Santorum  took more than enough of the fight to the others to lay claim to the role of Moe Howard for the evening.

While Mitt was explaining, TO A PALESTINIAN QUESTIONER...WHY THE PALESTINIANS REMAINED AT WAR...and Newt was pulling specific completion dates out of both the sky, and his gargantuan buttocks...for each and ever one of the 62,000 new programs he will complete WITHOUT RAISING TAXES...by Thursday, May 19, 2019...MIRRORING EACH AND EVERY HAND GESTURE EVER UTILIZED DURING ANY PERSONAL APPEARANCE MADE BY BILL CLINTON...

...Rick Santorum was showing Mommy why she doesn't need to wheel herself to the playground anymore to help get her little boy out of whatever trash can he'd been stuffed into.

Santorum was a bona fide BEAST FROM THE EAST. It was like he had channeled Joe Paterno...and then, at just three right moment, morphed into Jerry Sandusky. He went hard after Romney on healthcare and other matters, pointed out at least the areas involving flaws in the Speaker's Character which weren't also lacking in his own...and even lofted a few cream pies in "Shemp's" direction, as well.

I don't know if it was because Mom WAS there, or because "the Mrs." wasn't...but if Tricky Ricky had stayed on stage just another five minutes...Wolf might even have broken down and asked him to comment on next Monday's NBC episode of Fear Factor...where to win the money, contestants will have to drink a 16 ounce glass of DONKEY SEMEN!

I can hear THAT ANSWER already!

"Oooooooooh yeah. They OPENLY MOCKED ME when I TOLD YOU that gay marriage would lead to men chugging 16 ounce glasses of donkey semen...ON NATIONAL TELEVISION! Don't even THINK about doing anything except KISSING MY  SWEATER-VEST WEARING  ASS...THE FIRST TIME A GUY PROPOSES TO THE EIFFEL TOWER! (...closed mouth, of course.)

And Ron Paul...

Regular readers know I love the guy, but...who put the timed-release Cialis on HIS Sugar Frosted Flakes? He's threatening Wolf with an age discrimination lawsuit, challenging the Fat Lizard to a TWENTY-FIVE MILE BIKE RACE "IN THE TEXAS HEAT"...and snapping off better punchlines than you would expect to hear at ANY Tuesday night audition st the World Famous Comic Strip.

I mean...talk about FOUR FISH OUT OF WATER AT THE SAME PLACE...AT THE SAME TIME!

NEWT...Mr. Master DeBater...was neutered BY ALL THREE OF HIS OPPONENTS...which, in a sense explains how he managed to get his high school geometry teacher into the sack. I mean...it's not every day when you get to see the Pythagorean Theorem diagramed by a guy with THREE NUTS in the same sack.

Seriously though...Newt was horrible. Every other candidate dissed him with almost no response...AND...when he went LAST, trying to explain why Callista would be the best First Lady...after the other three guys ONE MARRIAGE EACH...totaled well over ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF MARRIAGE...TO ONLY ONE PERSON EACH...and he knew HE was talking about the woman that Dr. James Dobson had only last week referred to as, "NEWT'S EIGHT YEAR WHORE"...

...Well, it's pretty easy to understand why all Newt wanted to talk about was shit that happened, "BACK IN 1961..."

And, he even got off of that game plan when Ron "Bill Cosby" Paul made being drafted in "Nine--,teen...six--tee--two"...sound like the opening of a story about Jello Pudding Pops.

Some commentators thought Mitt won the day...perhaps because HE, TOO...went after the Lizard, head on at times. However, if you can stop looking at the fake hair, $10000 suit  and animation brought to you from the makers of Buzz Lightyear...the truth is that the stuff the comes out of Mitt's Magic Mormon Mouth...is Monotone by design...because that apparently operates to mask at least some of the stank which you would more readily recognize from at least two of the other three podia on every republican debate stage.

"YOU'RE A PANDERER, NEWT...and dammit I'm ALL FOR IMMIGRATION HERE IN FLORIDA!"

"MY ASSETS ARE IN A BLIND TRUST. I DONT KNOW WHERE THEY ARE...BUT I KNOW I PAY ALL MY TAXES. No...apparently what I meant to say is that MY TRUSTEE IS BLIND...and he THOUGHT he had registered all of my numbered Swiss accounts."

"NO, RICK...YOU'RE COMPLETELY WRONG!  I'M NOT FOR A TOP DOWN, SINGLE PAYER HEALTHCARE SYSTEM. I'm for a system where everybody, who doesn't have insurance either buys insurance, or shares the cost of their care".

Santorum: That's a Top Down, Single Payer System, Mitt.

Romney: I didn't call it that.

Santorum: (Thoroughly befuddled) That's what it IS.

Romney: (As though the world gets it, because...everybody knows Santorum is nuts) Well...it works for the people of Massachusettes.

Santorum begins a retort which already has Romney with a bloody chest and lumps on his back...when WOLF SAVES The Romulan by saying,"Let's move on".

Long & short of the ordeal...

No one who saw this debate in full...who would then go out and vote for Newt, or Romney...should ever be allowed to vote, drive a car, operate heavy equipment, marry, procreate, donate sperm, our even appear as a contestant on Fear Factor.

Santorum...had his best night of the entire campaign...RIGHT UP TO THE PART WHERE HE SAID THAT The Obama Administration was supporting Latin American Dictators..."LIKE CHAVEZ, CASTRO...AND NORIEGA".

What is it about homophobes who marry women that sleep with the 70+ year old doctors who delivered them...and who are convinced gay marriage leads to, well...REALLY STRANGE stuff happening on Network Reality Shows...and who refuse to spend time with dying children...WHICH MAKES THEM FORGET...UNDER JUST A LITTLE PRESSURE...

...that Noriega has been in one prison or another....SINCE BARACK OBAMA WAS KNOCKING BACK HEINEKENS AT DER WERSTHAUS ON THE CAMPUS AT HAAAAAVAD.

(Oh...and that he wont get out until at 2031...WHEN HE WOULD THEN BE 97!)

Aside from that one little slip...Santorum had a great night.

Ron Paul also had clearly his best night...however, even though he stuck it in Wolf's ear on the question of Ron's age...it's great to know that just in case I couldn't count high enough to know that Ron Paul is JUST ABOUT the age of both John McCain, the former nominee...AND Ronald Reagan...the former President...that they would always be there to attempt to divert all attention away from common sense...and of course, make great television.

Don't miss the next republican CNN debate where Callista & Karen will be locked in the Green Room with Ron Paul, and in order to get out, one out them has to...

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