Monday, January 9, 2012

Dogpile On The Romney, Dogpile On The Romney...

Yes, Virginia, today's title does come from an ancient Bugs Bunny cartoon. And, yeah...in that episode the dogs think they have "the rabbit" at the bottom, only to find out Bugs is chanting with them as he stomped them all from the top of the pile. And, yes...I know I've said that Mitt can't win it all.

However...this collective gaggle of horsetwits is making Mitt look like FDR...and me start to feel like George Armstrong Custer.

Yes, they finally opened up on Romney yesterday. Yes, The Real Newt finally lit into him with all three barrells. Yes, Santorum, Ron Paul, and even Jon Huntsman joined in the old circle and splay maneuver.

But...ya know...the easiest fight in the world to win, is the one where you can tell that the other guy really doesn't want to hit you...or, waits to start trying really hard, until you've already rubbed his nose in a nearby pile of fresh dog droppings.

Yeah, the good news is...three out of five came at Romney hard. The bad news is, two of the three couldn't see what they were swinging at because Mitt hand administered a handful of brown clown makeup which blurred their vision...and Santorum...clearly hits like a girl.

I mean no offense to girls, or even women. Nor am I openly suggesting that Tricky Ricky check his closet to see if he's in it. I'm just saying that watching Santorum try to attack Romney was reminiscent of the kid in grade school boldly saying, "nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah nyah"...in the general direction of the kid the teacher was hauling off to the principal's office after he just got done kicking the little wimp's ass.

Rick Perry got his one callback in where he finally was able to memorize the names of three departments he'll never have a chance to abolish. And, it was quite clear that this was the only reason he made the trip to New Hampshire.

Ron Paul...I love the guy, but...1. He went back to starting his answer to every question by begging for relevance. And 2. He was swinging at Romney...well, like an 80 year old guy would swing at the high school quarterback just before getting pantsed and stuffed in a locker.

Can the Non-Romneys keep up the fight and make it work? I think they can...but, only because there's so much material there to work with, as opposed to any one of them being a power puncher.

Huntsman, should have what it takes to deliver a knockout blow. However, he suffers from the same faith-based affliction as Mitt. And, that takes at least some of the sting out of the fact that he actually knows what he's talking about. He got a few good jabs in place, but in the end, he can not only not knock Mr. GQ off of the cover...he won't be the second choice of many, even if he did.

When Santorum is talking about his policy positions. He just sounds batshit crazy. When he tries to come across as a tough guy...he sounds both batshit crazy, and sets off gaydar devices in half the bars in West Hollywood. Again, I mean absolutely no offense to gay Americans...who I support in every way from marriage and adopting, to aids research and beyond. In fact, some of my best friends are named Santorum.

I'm just saying...even with the Gary Bauer endorsement, the likely endorsement of James Dobson and other evangelical leaders on the far, far, FAR right...Santorum has a much better chance of beating Romney on a straight numbers basis (pun definitely intended) than he does by getting into a naked hot oil wrestling match with The Mighty Mittster.

Newt...ah, Newt. Alas poor Gingrich...let me school you on why you just can't and never will get the traction necessary to become relevant.

First and foremost...you had chances unlike those that few ever get. And, Even though The Almighty knew before you did...that you were and are a total Douche Bag, who was never going to truly succeed at anything...and would always take the gifts you were given and use them so destructively that all you came to hold dear would be taken from you...God in his infinite love and hope, still gave you a chance to be somebody.

As much as we all want to believe that we are a forgiving nation and people...we really aren't. Most people only do get one chance to be great. In rare instances, if someone really is a good, decent and honorable person who simply made a mistake...maybe that person gets a second chance.  But...when you are old fat, white, fat, male, fat, fat, angry, fat, oh...and a completely hypocritical, ego-manaical, pull shit out of your ass, fat Douche gag, racist, sexist, fat, cracker ass fool...

...such as yourself.

Well...let's just say that if you didn't have those pictures of Sheldon Adelman taking advantage of  a drunken gerbel...chances are you wouldn't even be on the same stage as the likes of Herman Cain, Michele Bavhman and Rick Perry.

You ARE a puncher...and, the kind of guy who could have knocked Mitt off the stage, out of the building, and put him down for the count...BEFORE  you announced to the world that you were a steaming pile of yesterday's lunch.

And, since you made that statement the day you married your high school math teacher...and then later divorced because she wasn't pretty enough to he the wife of a president...well, let's just say that there are things that are so opposite of good...that "evil incarnate" jes dudn't do your kind no justice.

You were ticketed for stardom, but destined to fail...by your own hand. And all the Vegas millions in Shelly's chip stack can't save you, or convince enough decent people to give you another chance.

Now...could you grease up Mitt Romney and give him what his Magic Underwear never thought it would see tap tap tapping at the rear entrance?

Something tells me you could. And...I'm guessing your at a serious life crossroads...because, your natural inclination would be to say that if you can't be the president...no one can. Then again...you will likely never believe that anyone living, dead, or yet contemplated, is more qualified than you...so you won't want to burn any more bridges than you already have taken down.

Here's my advice to you, Newtie. Lose Calista. Trust me...while she is no Barbara Bush...she ain't no Michele Obama, either. If I were you, I would send heart-felt marriage propsals to Kim Kardashian, the Olsen Twins, and Alice Walton. Any of these women could easily fund your ongoing quest for success. And, while I personally find Alice Walton to be incredibly attractive...I'm guessing that your heart-feltest hearfelt proposal would likely be aimed at both of the Olsen toys...even though Kim seems like your alter ego and possible soulmate.

Why have I gone through all of this today? Insomnia? Nah...

It is becoming clear...sadly enough...that with the establishment R's rapidly lining up behind Mitt...so much so that Ken Freakin' Starr Op-Eds in the Washington Post...saying "It's okay to vote for a Mormon"...and, Gary Bauer and the evangelicals deciding over the weekend to coalesce behind Santorum...

...the G...D...Teabaggers are going to get their wish...AGAIN. In the end it is this group of JUST ENOUGH TREASONOUS YA-HOOS TO MATTER...that will swing the balance of power and determine at least the fate of the republican party, if not the nation.

They don't have enough swing to move Ron Paul to the top of the heap...meaning, the best the country can hope for, is Ron Paul making a third party effort, his political swan song...

Stay tuned for the definitive call, with percentages, on the New Hampshire race...later today.

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