Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Imagine They Held A Primary...And Nobody Cared

In the final days of the Florida Republican Primary Campaign...

Rick Santorum used his dying daughter, yet again, to pretend to be called away from Florida.

Ron Paul didn't even pretend. He just left.

Mitt Romney essentially declared victory in Florida...and that he has just enough money to actually purchase "The Country Formerly Known As America"...even if he loses the Real Election.

And...Newt was not only both disgraced (yet again), and a disgrace (if to no one else, most certainly to all "Historians")...but, he was also slipping into a funk worse than his 2010 realization that declaring for President someday would in fact, require the already Fat Lizard to one day consume Fried Sticks of Butter in a part of the country where bullshit should really only be something you have to avoid while walking in a pasture.

And, then...it was Tuesday, again.

"The BIG ONE".

The one that was supposed to have Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain and Newt dividing the Teabagger vote...

Rick Perry and Rick Santorum dividing the Evangelical vote...

Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman dividing the votes of the 57 Florida members of the All-Star Magic Underwear Band...

Ron Paul running ads reminding 92% of the State's residents that they should, "VOTE 4 ME, ya Silly Bastards...I Got Blue Hair, TOO!"...

AND, of course...

On Wednesday morning, when no frontrunner had emerged...

George Will would personally introduce Jeb Bush and Chris Christie to America as "The Chosen"...in order that The Bush Dynasty might serve as backdrop for the new George Will offering entitled, "Succession Planning & Natural Selection...A Conceptual Primer".

However...not only did something funny happen on the way to implosion. But...I think it's safe to say that other things occurred which neither George Orwell, Stephen King, nor Woody Allen could create...and which you might only believe if the story was produced and directed by Tom Shadyac.

One by one, almost all of the original 3,257 republican candidates fell victim to various scandals...

...and some even quit the race as a result.

And...I didn't even mention Tim Pawlenty...who left the race after no more than the first Straw Poll. (Something tells me that his best friend...a "very popular" and equally outgoing sheep from The Iron Range, suggested that "there may, in fact, be a pho-to...or two out there...which couldn't be accounted for...)

So here we are...

2:38 A.M., and I can't decide if the voice I'm hearing sounds more like Joe Friday...or Bob Hope, as either or both might preview the day's events...as though those same events had actually occurred long, long ago...in a land time forgot.

Newt, on the other hand, is somewhere trying to determine if the voice he's hearing is the Narrator from The St. Valentine's Day Massacre...(At 2:38 A.M. on the last morning of his life...Newton Leroy Gingrich, looked in the mirror and reminded himself...I'm good enough, I'm smart enough...DAMMIT, WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LIKE ME?)...

Or...if that little voice he's hearing is Sheldon Adelson, sharing his new Campaign Rap Rhyme..."Bitch, Where's My Money?"

Either way...it's 100.2% clear that Mitt will look as robotic as ever in declaring victory, formally, in a few hours...

97.6% certain that George Will and the entire Bush Family are putting the champagne back on ice...and taking the plastic sheeting down in one of the clan's many locker rooms. They may even be sharing a single bottle of the bubbly for old time's sake. (Except for GWB, of course...we know he doesn't drink, or abuse any substances at all...at least not since God first told him to run for president.)

There's a 71% chance that Ron Paul will win the Maine Caucuses, if for no other reason than to operate as Maine's reminder to the nation that when the Democratic Party tried to (and later did) force-feed Bill Clinton to democrats in 1992...Maine said "NO WAY, Ron Brown!"...and threw its support behind my friend...Gov. Moonbeam....

...A 66.666% chance that Rick Santorum will be instructed by The Almighty...to out himself, and end worldwide speculation....

...A 42.4% probability that Calista Gingrich will confirm that her "other name" is really "Tiffany Washington"...and that those interested in obtaining a video record of her earlier work, can do so by sending small packages of large stones to her Gettysburg Address...

...A 27.7% chance that Jon Huntsman will find two solid gold tablets buried in his own backyard, with divine instructions on how he too, can win the Florida Primary in 2028...

...an 11% bet that Herman Cain smokes one too many of his special 9-9-9 brand of medicinal cigarettes, and confesses to "well...maybe jes' a l'il more than...you know...grocery money, heh, heh, heh"...

And, absolutely ZERO PERCENT...no chance AT ALL...that any republican candidate other than Ron Paul...cares anything about the American People, or The Untied States of America...other than how many books they will sell, lobbying jobs they will get, companies they can raid, banks they can prop up, dying children they can abandon...or how long they can continue to get invited to debates that they knew going in...had absolutely no real impact on the PRE-VERY FIRST DEBATE UNDERSTANDING...that the eventual nominee would be the guy in the nice suit who wanted you to know...

"...Howdy Folks. Mitt Romney here, from Romneyland Chevrolet. We're overstocked on 2012's down here...and TRUST ME...WE'RE MAKIN' DEALS OVER HERE...LIKE, WELL...LIKE NEVER BEFORE. In fact, we're just GIVIN' 'em away. And, ya know...those 2013's are already on the trucks and makin' their way to Romneyland...even as we speak. So...git on down here ta Romneyland Chuvalay...where if our name isn't tattooed on the ass-end of your new Chevy...c'mon...say it with me now...YOU PROBABLY PAID TOO MUCH!"

In all honesty though...despite the fact that the much anticipated republican primary season had oh...say, a couple weeks worth of intrigue which WASN'T provided by a smorgasboard of scandal...in the end, you probably do have to acknowledge that today's winner, Mitt Romney...is actually a VERY PRINCIPLED GUY. He's got all kinds of "Principles". And, the really cool thing about Mitt is...if you don't LIKE or AGREE with his "Principles"...

...He's got a whole lot more in the trunk of every car "over there at Romneyland".

He's got Principles in blue, red, black, green...sedan, soft-top or no,top...gas OR diesel (NONE OF THAT HYBRID CRAP OVER HERE AT ROMNEYLAND...).

AND...the best news is...

"Everything you buy TODAY at Romneyland comes with a TEN MONTH...UNLIMITED PRINCIPLE WARRANTY.

Who cares if that means they all expire 20 minutes before I might become President...heh, heh, heh...

Not even the Su-Preme Court says we got-ta tell the truth...

...or even who's paying for the stinky stuff we's all selling...

...and P.S....

HAVE A NICE DAY, NOW...ya he-yah."

1 comment:

  1. I live in Florida. I CAN'T wait to get a Dem in Tally.

    ReplyDelete