With all due respect and honor to both the inimitable Eddie Murphy and the immortal Gumby...I humbly and respectfully declare Newt Gingrich to be, "The Man In The Moon, Dammit!"
Every morning at 2 A.M. when I sit down to collect my thoughts, I SWEAR...I won't write about The Fat Lizard, I won't write about The Fat Lizard...I WON'T WRITE ABOUT THE FAT LIZARD!
But...then I see, hear, hear about, recall, or am otherwise reminded of some absolutely absurd, outrageous, or flat out INSANE statement, event, claim/lie, or other bombast involving the republican campaign's resident Douche. And, yet again, am I almost forced to continue to assist everyone from Nancy Pelosi to George Will, in their quest to inform the populous that while Michele Bachmann was thoroughly Batshit Crazy, and Tricky Rick Sanitarium couldn't be more oblivious...when it comes to Newt Gingrich...
...this sick bastard could actually get you killed.
Other commentators have noted that Gingrich, who now claims that he was instrumental in Ronald Reagan's dismantling of the Soviet Union...actually called Reagan inept, and routinely declared the Reagan Administration to be a failed entity, with a weak leader and no policies which had any possibility of success in any form.
So...No need to ask why the guy who served as Nelson Rockefeller's Southern Campaign Chairman worked AGAINST RONALD REAGAN IN 1968...and was only mentioned ONCE in eight years worth of Reagan Diaries...isn't slammed on any of these bullshit claims on an hourly basis.
We'll just let other folks handle those issues...
...ESPECIALLY, when Newtie Snootie GIFT WRAPS an entire Blog Posting and gives an educated humorist a ten pound bag of his own words AND the silver spoon with which to feed them back to him.
Yesterday, at a Space Industry Roundtable at a Community College in Florida...Newt compared himself to Abraham Lincoln, the Wright Brothers, John F. Kennedy, acknowledged that he was "grandiose"...and then promised 700 attendees that he would build an American Colony ON THE MOON...and complete the Colony...BY THE YEAR 2020!
Now...Newt didn't exactly say what this Colony would be FOR.
BUT...OUR "Sources" have scooped everybody from Harvey Levin to Karl Rove on this one.
Deny it, if you will, Mr. Lizard, but...you know that WE know...you want this Colony to serve as a Slave Labor MINING COLONY.
You...gave yourself away when you were overheard telling a Little Green Man that you would "be DAMNED if you would let Callista run out of CHEESE...EVER AGAIN!"
OH SUUUUURE, it all SOUNDED legit...even up to the point where you said that once the Colony got up to 13,000 residents...your CHEESE BITCHES could make application for STATEHOOD!
THIRTEEN THOUSAND CRACKER BARRELL HEADS?
LIVING IN A KRAFT COMPANY TOWN?
Before we get back to our regularly scheduled drive-by mocking of Mr. Lizard...
Would the Court take Judicial Notice of the fact that today is January 26, 2012?
Would the Court further Notice that this would leave LESS than eight years to design, construct, staff up, ramp up, gear up and build the 16 foot high Immigration Fence around "Really Really North Newtieville".
And finally...since it takes the government contracting process SEVEN YEARS, to pay $3000, to a Chinese company...FOR TWO HAMMERS AND A TOILET SEAT...
...if it Pleases the Court, the prosecution moves for a Declaratory Judgement in support of the proposition that the Disgraced Former Speaker...
...IS FUCKED IN THE HEAD.
For the uninformed, who might feel as though I'm being intentionally disrespectful...or potentially guilty of Cruelty to Fat Reptiles..."Fucked in the Head" IS a medico-legal term of art, accepted by both the American Psychiatric Association and The American Bar Association.
If you don't believe me...make appointments with your own lawyer and shrink...and then tell both, that you're going to relocate the State of Wisconsin...TO THE MOON, bring all of Occupy Wall Street with you, and petition all four major professional sports leagues for their first inter-galactic franchises...AND...
...OH YEAH...you'll be completing the endeavor in less than eight years.
Now...since by this time, your doctor AND lawyer will likely be in need of emergency medical attention...while simultaneously being in fear for their lives...
This will leave it up to you, to be the one to call 911...to both help them...and report yourself. Not to worry though, when you go to trial, I personally guarantee that the psychiatrist AND the lawyer will testify under oath, that you are...
"FUCKED IN THE HEAD!"
But back to Mr. Lizard.
The Lizard served the 6th District of Georgia. And, I'm guessing that like any even shitty congressman...he probably had a pretty good idea of what goes on in his neighborhood.
In Newt's neighborhood, or rather 5 minutes from the western border of his district...regular Klan meetings are held TODAY. (I lived within walking distance of the "location".)
And, I'm not guessin' Newtie ever told the fellas to cut that kinda stuff out.
The Wright Brothers?
Well...maybe. The Wright Brothers were credited with numerous inventions.
Newt Gingrich has re-invented his past life history...several times.
Wilbur Wright was unintentionally struck in the head with a hockey stick as a teenager.
Newt Gingrich...well...he's just fucked in the head.
John F. Kennedy allegedly slept with Marilyn Monroe and had a Take-a-Number Machine at every White House Entrance.
Newt Gingrich slept with his high school Geometry teacher...and has worn out seven layers of skin on both palms.
I guess what is most completely distressing about the Newt Gingrich phenomenon is that even AFTER lying about Reagan, cheating on wives, resigning in disgrace, paying fines to buy his way out of indictments, taking money from Fannie & Freddie, reinventing himself, raising the needle on the hypocrisy meter to heights previously unknown, out-sleezing Bill Clinton, and being referred to by most of the country's more respected conservative thinkers, as a huckster, buffoon, and things EVEN I WOULDN'T SAY...
...there are still enough members of the "Fucked in the Head" Fraternity...to actually give Mr. Lizard the ability to divert funds from, oh, I don't know...EVERYTHING...in support of an insane plan to mine "something"...on the Moon.
And, forget the eight years. Forget that it would take the space travel equivalent of FORTY of the largest passenger jets, FULL...just to fill the Slave labor camp with bodies.
How do the earth movers, and the cranes, and the drills, and the endless supply of oxygen tanks, and the food, fuel and everything else that it would take to sustain life for A COLONY get there?
And, to make these claims, at a community college...where AT BEST, your bullshit brings you 700 VOTES?
That's not grandiose Newt.
That's just fucked in the head.
It's why I personally promise to join you in your psychotic quest, IF AND ONLY IF...AT EVERY DEBATER FROM NOW UNTIL THE GENERAL ELECTION...YOU OPEN AND CLOSE YOUR PERFORMANCE WITH THE MAGIC WORDS...
"...I'M THE MAN IN THE MOON, DAMMIT!"
Oh...and it's also why I'll never be able to even look at the moon again, without seeing that Fat Lizard of a pie face, staring back at me...and hearing that haunting psychotic laughter...followed by your voice reminding us all...
That you're The Man In The Moon, Dammit! (and seriously fucked in the head.)