Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Morning After...Perfection, Part I.

Chuck Todd and the others had charts, graphs, endless categories of exit polling data, an army of analysts...and they still had no real idea why or how things played out as they did last night in New Hampshire.

The hoards of researchers on staff at Thoughts at Three A.M.?

We...I mean "I" never conducted a single poll. I never interviewed a single voter...before or after they voted. I didn't spend every morning at a coffee house in Derry, or every evening at a different Manchester Diner. I didn't draw my projections on a magic tote board, or make a call of the race after computer models told me how not to embarrass myself...or my network.

I did, however...call the race before the polls opened, and not only suggested the specific order of finish for the top six candidates...but went way out on the limb of truth...and called the race right down to percentages of vote totals, as well.

I won't bore our readers with too many details. Let's just say, if Hannibal Smith were here at the moment...and even without the final 5% of the vote total being reported anywhere, he might just say...

"I love it when a plan comes together!"

In terms of the specific order of finish, Thoughts at Three A.M. was Dead Solid Perfect. And, from an incremental distribution basis within that predetermined order of finish, only the slightly closer battle between Newt and Ricky Sanatarium gave our staff any cause for concern throughout the entire process.

In fact...if I were Chuck Todd, or the political directors of any major news outlet...I wouldn't let this staff operate independently ever again. I would hire us immediately, and demand that we make full use of all of the charts, graphs, magic drawing tools...and, of course...send us to all of the finest coffee and greasy spoon locations in the balance of the key primary states and throughout the course of the general election.

Now...having said that, I promise that the balance of today's two, or three postings will refrain from further chest puffing, and/or group fist bumping on the part of our staff. After, how many fists can ya bump...with two hands?

I will only say thank you, thank you, thank you all. We came within the Iowa margin of victory, of crossing 2000 readers, yesterday...totaling 1,992 for the day. We here at "Thoughts"...thank you from the bottom of our heart. We also appreciate your continued assistance in the form of clicking on ads in support of our coffee and bagel fund.

Now, we were an hour late with our thoughts today, hoping that the final five percent of votes...which have apparently been deemed not relevant to the outcome, might have given Newt the meager separation we had called for between he and Tricky Ricky...whose percentage by the way was as they say..."on the nose".

I will be missing a great cup of coffee this morning which I had planned to enjoy with some incredible friends, in favor of additional oral surgery, but...this will allow for those second and third postings today, all of which will be well worth reading.

Substantively speaking, I would hate myself if I failed to pay proper homage to some of the extraordinary contests at the lower end of the vote totals.

In this vein, I am compelled to offer my sincerest possible congratulations to Michele Bachmann.

In the battle to determine which of the candidates who already quit the race, had the most supporters who can't read, don't have access to news in any form at all, or who just never made it off of "the short bus"...Mrs. Bachmann out-polled Gary Johnson and the legendary architect of the 9-9-9 Fallacy...Herman Cain, to claim the 1st  ever, Sarah Palin Trophy...in honor of those who just can't see their way clear to finishing something they previously couldn't wait to undertake.

Likewise, and in the same way in which the NFL pays tribute to the last player picked in its annual Draft, with the "Mr. Irrelevant Award"...we here at "Thoughts" want to acknowledge Dr. Hugh Cort for not only playing our game, but for being able to garner one vote other than his own...to finish dead last, with a whopping total of 2 votes.

We can't offer Hugh an expense paid trip to the Super Bowl, or even the Republican Convention, but make DAMN sure that Hugh is probably going to get some serious and potentially copious amounts of complimentary coffee from any morning java hut in the State.

Unfortunately, for legal reasons, we can't call Dr. Court, "Mr. Irrelevant"...knowing as we do, how protective the NFL is of their brand. And, even if we wanted to spit in the face of the NFL and the good people at the law firm of Covington & Burling....we wouldn't dare risk offending the Lord Himself...as he prepares to assist Tim Tebow in dismantling Tom Brady and those HEATHENS who call themselves..."Patriots".

Besides...were we to risk being handed a summons to appear in the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of New York, to esplain ourselves, and why we "borrowed" the name "Mr. Irrelevant"...we would be referencing Gubernor Rick Dubyah Perry...and NOT Dr. Hugh Cort.

Ah yes...Rick Dubyah. Y'all 'member him, don'tcha? He was the chosen one who was Mr. Teabagger, Mr. Falwell, Mr. Dubyah...oh, yeah...and the guy that the Real Dubyah's Brain referred to as, "an idiot".

The good news is...we won't be sued by the NFL for giving The Good Gubernor the "Mr. Oblivious Award".

I'd like to offer Rick Dubyah an all expenses paid return ticket to Austin. However...it appears that this Flaming Douche has so embarrassed "The Great State of Tex-ass" that IT has seceded from HIM.

Immediately after Perry's last place showing among real candidates...Texas State Police traveling with the Gubernor, confiscated his driver's license, all other forms of guvmint issued pitcher ID's, and his Annual Pass to Six Flags.

Look for Rick Dubayah to stay in the race until the Alabama Primary in March, at which time he will not only quit the race...but also have the Mrs. forward his "stuff" to Mobile, where the then Ex-Gub...will exit both the Gubernor's Office, and his own closet, and become a very private dancer...oh, and of course..."a Fox News Contributor".

Given the length of this posting, you will have to get the meat and potatoes of how we called the race, and the definitive South Carolina inside info...in Part II of The Morning After...which we will post in about three hours.

Last but definitely not least, Buddy Roemer did out poll the collection of Write-Ins...and just maybe, when those last votes are finally counted...might possibly pass the man who could have been...The President of Tex-ass one day...in his own warped little fantasy, that is...

Y'all come back now...ya hear.

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