As was pointed out by numerous regular readers of "Thoughts at 3 A.M.," I usually write a Call of the Race the day of, or before each Primary.
Since even the Kardashians were Blogging Florida Primary Projections since last Friday...and Khloe actually called the race closer than Sean Hannity...I figured it made absolutely no sense to embarrass "The Sisters" with my own version of "Closest to the Hole".
After Florida, however...it is time to analyze the outcome, point out what some in the Blogosphere suggest are "New Revelations"...but which address subjects first noted in "Thoughts at 3 A.M." months ago...and...use the aftermath of the Florida Primary to spawn yet another in the Series which I like to call...
"A Virtual Cornucopia of Contemporary Political Claptrap".
Fourteen seconds after the Florida Polls closed, every major news outlet...and Fox News, had declared Mitt Romney a "Landslide Winner". Romney had already declared victory twice, and would later have 75,000 votes deducted from his final vote total...for his 2012 utilization of the 1066 A.D. "catchphrase"..."Lead, Follow or Get Out of the Way".
SERIOUSLY, MITT? You're worth the Gross National Product of South Korea (at LEAST)...and you can't find a writer who was born after THE BATTLE OF HASTINGS?
I guess, if there's any consolation...while that masterpiece of "not-so modern day" political rhetoric might not have straightened the President's hair, caused him to involuntarily soil himself, or even get him to quake even once in his size 12 1/2 boots...you may very well have had him scratching his head...before he fell off the chair, onto the floor, and rolled in uncontrollable laughter (out loud, of course), right up to the time when Michelle was overheard saying, "Barack!...You keep that up, and Mitt's gonna have you peein' in your new Armani pants...AGAIN!"
And, before Mitt was done Re-declaring himself the Second Coming of all of the best parts of James Buchanan, John Tyler AND Millard Fillmore...Newt Doggy-Dog rapped to his Peeps about this now being a two person race.
Simultaneously, Tricky Ricky Sanatarium, THE EVANGELICAL CANDIDATE...was in SIN CITY, NEVADA...informing LAS VEGAS CHRISTIANS, that Newt had his chance in Florida, and should ALSO now "Get Out of the Way".
A million miles in yet a different direction, Ron Paul was calling the Florida results a call for action, and MEANT to tell Mitt to "Stay Out of His Caucuses"...only he sounded a lot more like Clint Eastwood telling Romney to "GET OFF MY LAWN!"
And...an hour or two later, Red State had made it clear that the Fat Lady was warming up and...along with just about everybody in the prognosticating business NOT part of "Thoughts at 3 A.M."...declared the Florida results to be a MANDATE on the issue of electability.
Three Primaries. One Caucus. The Caucus wasn't even binding. Newt TRASHED Mitt in South Carolina...Doggy-Dog Style. The Old Line Republican Machine DISEMBOWELED Gingrich in Gang-Stang Fashion in the week leading up to Florida. Mitt and his Super PAC spent FIFTEEN MILLION DOLLARS IN TWO WEEKS...and did everything except show the secret video of Mitt, the monkey and his grandmother's old Hoover.
With any luck...Romney will pop that bad boy onto the Mean Midwestern Airwaves of Missouri.
Is THIS, how the prospective "Most Powerful Man in the Free World"...becomes "electable"?
Let's take a minute to address a few minor factoids ignored by just about everybody.
AFTER the de-nadding of the Fat Lizard...WHICH STILL DIDN'T STOP HIM FROM GETTING A THIRD OF THE TOTAL VOTE in Florida...the most electable candidate in the race, according to "THE HOMERS" (i.e., The Washington Establishment Republicans who own almost everything...and control the rest) still has not won even HALF of HIS OWN PARTY...IN A SINGLE PRIMARY OR CAUCUS...nor is he even projected to do so, in any one of at least the next FIVE Primary or Caucus events.
The REASON why Santorum and Gingrich snipe at each other continuously...IS NOT because Tricky Ricky wants to wear the Magic Underwear of a prospective VEEP (necessarily). Santorum and Gingrich are Brett Favre and Aaron Rogers. They are Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. They are BOTH of Charlie Sheen's Original Goddesses.
THEY ARE ON THE SAME TEAM, PLAYING THE SAME POSITION...AND THEY BOTH WANT TO BE THE STARTER!
On the other hand...Mitt Romney...IS NOT on the same team.
Mitt plays for the Homers...and Newtrick Gingorum, BOTH play...for the GOMERS. (Not JUST the Evangelicals, OR the Tea Party...but officially, "anyone NOT a HOMER.)
I'll talk more about that tomorrow...
HOWEVER, I think the one circumstance associated with this progress of this Primary cycle which would piss me off even more, IF I WAS A GOMER...would be how I am part of THE MAJORITY OF PARTY...and yet, The Homers have spent more money than it took TO ELECT Franklin Roosevelt FOUR TIMES in four General Elections, committed virtually EVERY FORM OF PRE-MEDITATED POLITICAL MURDER (along with a little oh, I don't know...FRAUD), in not only Homers attempt to E.I.D. a SINGLE OBNOXIOUS REPTILE while simultaneously administering a Cruise Missile Enema. What is happening to Newt, and notwithstanding the fact that 99% of it all, he brought on himself...is "Homers" way of telling me that HE DON'T NEED THE MOST VOTES to get nominated...
Hell...Homers don't even need the most votes to win a General Election, either.
Just ask George W. Bush, Kathryn Harris and Five out any Nine "Justices" of the Supreme Court. (P.S., if THAT kind of case ever comes up again...the DNC has already vowed to have the matter heard by either Judge Judith Scheindlin...or, even "Judge" Gloria Allred.)
Again, more on the ideological war, and Homer vs. Gomer, tomorrow.
Now, In case you missed THE BEST election held in Florida last night...there was one HELL of a barroom brawl involving at least FIVE CANDIDATES...WHO HAVE ALREADY OFFICIALLY QUIT THE RACE.
In THAT donnybrook...Rick Perry KICKED SOME SERIOUS ASS! Perry edged out Jon Huntsman by a total of 6,742 to 6,182 votes. Michele Bachmann nudged Herman Cain (though that actually could be a felony in Florida)...3,947 to 3,481. And, amazingly...Gary Johnson, who took his Johnson and went home when both the Homers AND the Gomers joined forces to lock him out of all 5,280 Debates, thus far...STILL managed to get 1,186 votes.
The Good News is...that these votes reflect EITHER the use of individual Rights of Suffrage as the expression of a "Protest Vote" by more than 21,500 Floridians...or about 1.5% of the total number of those casting ballots. OR...a Rounded-Up TWO PERCENT OF FLORIDA REPUBLICANS voting in yesterday's election possess the collective Intelligence Quotient of an over-ripened TURNIP...or, perhaps, Bill O'Reilly.
Either way...the Bad News is, the next piece of snail mail each will open, will be a letter from the Immigration and Customs Enforcement, containing a Notice of Deportation, tickets, (one way) to 21,500 different countries where NO ONE IS EVER ALLOWED TO VOTE...FOR ANYTHING. This way, of course, they will all be separated...eliminating even the remote possibility that any TWO of them might one day BREED.
Lastly, since it is once again, "2:39 A.M."...and in rapid-fire fashion:
Barack's ROFLMAO (and almost peein' his pants) incident was only partly due to the Lead, Follow, blah, blah, blah comment by Romney (which, UNBELIEVABLY...DREW APPLAUSE), the President was also just a bit excited to learn that the D's picked up a House Seat in Oregon, in a Special Election to fill the Seat of the Herman Cain-like, David Wu. Since sexually-oriented departures from Congress in recent years have oft times resulted in the NON-PSYCHOTIC Party not in power, wresting the seat even in the face of a registration minority...The President's Peeps keeping his back in this instance was all the omen he needed to keep Ol' Delaware Joe and Big Momma out on the circuit Bundling Benjamins...until the Gomers come home.
In other news...in this MUST WIN season of super charged Republican Presidential politics...with THREE wings of the Party stumping to pull out even the votes of people hell bent on casting ballots FOR GUYS AND GIRLS WHO HAVE BAGGED THEIR GEAR ALREADY...
...Total republican participation in Florida for the evening was DOWN about FIFTEEN PERCENT from the number of votes cast in 2008...suggesting perhaps that The Gomers might not all jump in the sandbox...if Homer won't let 'em play with a shovel. Yes, this might force Homer to look to a base-broadening VP. However, half of Gomer will still think Romneycare even sounding like Obamacare will be a horse pill the same color, which is too big to swallow. The rest of the Gomers, no matter what Homer tells you...are still not going to cotton to Mitt Baptizing his father-in-law AFTER HE WAS ALREADY DEAD...and have that be "an acceptable form of Christianity".
Lastly...I'm not going to spend ANY time agreeing with those who all of a sudden find Newt's inability to accept his defeat in Florida as an indication that he's Batshit Crazy.
We laid that out in multiple columns over the last two months. And, judging by some of the overnight commentary...most of those other commentators already read those postings. Give the archives a good read from time to time.
The jokes will still make you laugh...and you might want to then at least recommend "Thoughts" to your friends...or help us out by clicking on an ad. It doesn't cost you a thing, but it keeps food in the dog's bowl.
Seeya later today!