I'd like to thank the President and the Surgeon General for having the courage to formalize something many of us have known since this annual brain drain began the festering process back in 1973.
Originally, there was really only one speaker, a handful of short-bus graduates masquerading as wannabe "intulextials," and the overall consensus was that referring to the attendees as being "batshit crazy" was not worth the prospective class action slander suit which had been threatened by thousands of Bats.
A funny thing happened on the way to CPAC 2012, however...
They actually became such an influence on republican politics that even presidential primaries would take a vacation, both during the "convention" and for the week or so that it might take "the unfortunates" to remember where they live and then have someone help them get home.
I make open mock of CPAC 2012, for no other reason than that a cursory review of the 39 "FEATURED SPEAKERS" make it more than clear that "Speaking at CPAC 2012" is the newest event in The Special Olympics.
Now...before anyone is offended by that remark, or Special Olympians everywhere threaten to hire the guy who prevously represented "The Bats," I have to say that S.O. is a charity I've devoted much time, energy, and expense in support of over the years.
And, trust me...if my athletic friends were forced to sit through this roster of cackling jackals for three days...they'd be laughing at them, too.
Oh...by the way, GREAT NEWS! CPAC just announced "The Queen of Spades," Sarah Palin...will be closing out the annual hatefest, on Day Three.
If you got that joke, you're laughing life a true champion. If not I'm sorry, but you'll have to ask someone else, as I may be a candidate to replace Roland Martin at CNN...and I'm not taking ANY chances.
Why not take a look at a few of the 38 other "esteemed dignitaries" that the boys at CPAC have to trot out, BEFORE they hit you with Sarah Shady.
What could we hear from 88 year old Phyllis Schafly...which hasn't been said during any one of the previous 87 years of her life? Perhaps she has a new book to sell? Or, maybe she just felt she needed ONE MORE WEEKEND at the Washington, DC Marriott before she makes her way to that big CPAC Convention in the sky...or, wherever those things might be held in the afterlife.
Next, we have threr of the four remaining republican presidential candidates. Newt, we KNOW has a table full of books in the back of the room...and his wife, "Tiffany Washington" (new readers, see the archives) will apparently be at the kissing booth from 9 to 5 on Day Two.
Three FAILED presidential candidates will follow the previous stooges. And of COURSE we know THEY all have books to sell. And, for $27.00, you can get a picture taken, sitting on Herman Cain's lap while he sings, "She'll Be Comin' 'Round The Mountain". Yes, 9-9-9 does add up to 27.
Next, we have seven other members of Congress...who will try to explain why the naming of Postal Facilities is the only thing they will agree to accomplish between now and the time the President is re-elected. (I think one of them has a book out, too.)
Then, of course, there are the FIVE "Best Selling Authors". I...think it's a safe bet THEY'VE got tables next to the kissing booth, or the apple bob barrel.
The Best Selling Authors will be followed by NINE MEMBERS of the Reactionary Right-Wing Attack Dog Media. But HEY, "It's not a gang...It's a CLUB!"
By the way...the last nine...you guessed it. They all got books, too.
Stay with me, kids...we're almost ready to bring out your HEADLINER.
But...before that, you get to hear from a Gov. being Recalled. Another Gov. whose official photo looks like he's trying not to let anyone know that HE was the origin of the brown cloud hovering atop the crowded elevator...and of course, the Gov. of Florida...who, will...try real hard to keep one lapel covering his "Jeb - Santorum 2012" button.
And, just before The Poster Girl of at least one NBA Locker Room...you get to hear from Ralph Reed, Brent Bozell, three guys who are only there to make the total "an even 39"...TWO GUYS from the NRA (I would STRONGLY ADVISE buying their books)...The Dishonorable Grover Nerdquist, a Member of the same European Parliament THAT THIS CROWD ROUTINELY REFERS TO AS SOCIALIST...and of course...
What strikes me about this group, is this...
Why call yourselves something that you're not? You're not a group of "conservatives". Gun nuts, maybe. Serial adulterers in some cases...you betcha. Failures who just happen to have written a book, kissed the right person to get a radio or TV gig? Possibly. COULDN'T EVEN GET A TEACHING JOB at a university supported by Ricard Mellon Scaife?
I think the word is Bin---GO! Give that man a rubber duck.
Six of these speakers are or were presidential candidates who have spent all our part of two years pandering to every group possible touting the republican party as "The Big Tent Party".
We the party o' ALL da peoples!
Except that if this was a golf tournament, they couldn't get the PGA to sanction it...because the only TWO BLACK GUYS ARE BOTH (God, this is gonna cost me)...BATSHIT CRAZY!
Honestly...what does Herman Cain have to say THAT ANYONE CARES ABOUT?
Come to think of it...what DID the man have to say that anyone cared about other than, "Hey, Baby...you need a little..."grocery money"?
And, Allen West? If Allen West was a Democrat, Oliver North would personally volunteer to throw a bag over his head and escort him to Guantanamo.
When Herman Cain and Allen West make you a Big Tent...you're not even at Scout Camp.
Oh, wait...I forgot. What about Bobby Jindahl?
Wasn't HE supposed to be Presidential material...before he actually opened his mouth? And now...there's Marco Rubio...who is going to be so pissed when Jeb asks Rick Sanitarium to be his running mate, that you might ask yourself why he's spending so much time talking to those two NRA guys.
The bottom-line is this clusterfuck is so "fringe element" that every third wackjob is likely undercover FBI.
Again...if these were Democrats, this same group would all choke trying to get the word "communist" out of their mouth before any one of their fascist colleagues.
But...let's make sure all of us people of faith (which I very proudly proclaim myself to be) lay a hand or two on Rick Santorum...so that he'll have the wisdom, knowledge and courage to talk about "man on dog love"...marriage to "inanimate objects like the Eiffel Tower"...and of course why he hates his dying daughter so much that he would spend ALL, OF HER LIFE...on the campaign trail.
Why doesn't anyone ask Rick, "Are you running FOR president...or FROM YOUR DAUGHTER"?
These are not men of faith. And, there is no Big Tent. It's 36 white men and women (6 women, plus Ann Coulter), One India Indian, One Hispanic, and Two of the whitest black guys on the planet.
And, they all have something to sell.
How about, as an entire nation, we just day no to this kind of division...just once.
As a group, they aren't large enough to elect a team captain...and couldn't agree on one if they were. In fact...the only thing they do agree on is that if anyone is going to destroy "the greatest nation on God's Green Earth"...it will be them.
And frankly...if there was ever a times when absolutely no attention should be paid to any of their maniacal ramblings...
This is that time.
Thanks to all who continue to spend a moment clicking ads. As I don't have a book to sell, and do have a big tent...the rest of the clan thanks you for your time. (and your Mouse) Please click away...it.s free!