Thursday, February 16, 2012

An Elephant NEVER Forgets...

"An Elephant NEVER Forgets".

This is another one of those Great American Phrases that we've all heard, but no one really knows where it came from...or what it really means.

Alas Poor Mitt...we knew YE well. And sadly, YOU were the one about to teach us where THAT PHRASE (you know...the one about the Wisdom of the Pachyderm) has its origin.

An Elephant NEVER Forgets...refers to thr fact that over decades...these amazing creatures will follow the same path...from birth to death.

They can be removed from their birth surroundings...and return years later...and if they had made "the trek" with their immediate family...to the place they go to drink, sleep or most assuredly, DIE...they will KNOW the path from wherever you return them TO...to the place where they, or their fellow elephants need to go, in order to accomplish whatever task is presently at hand...no matter how much time has passed between "then"...and "now".

Ouch...

Forgive me for that verbalization of my pain. I would say that I've done that a few times since my accident...which is true. But...the truth in this case is...I was just thinking about since Donkeys can't remember their own name...let alone "how to get to Carnegie Hall"...or what really IS the secret to Sugar Frosted Flakes"...Mitt Romney just might want to re-think which political party he might really wants to affiliate with.

A lot can happen in any two week period in life. Take for example...an hypothetical two week period between two pretty low level republican presidential primary contests in the year 2012.

The world could FORGET...that Mitt Romney didn't win another Caucus that somebody told the world he DID win. And...just like those numbers for unemployment, housing starts, and, GDP...no one REALLY notices when they get adjusted down months after the fact. The BOGUS numbers are front page. The administration who put them out (regardless of Party) gets whatever bounce it needed in some poll...or in the markets. And, then...when the real numbers show up on Page 83 next to the $1 Off Coupon on a bag of ASPHALT...

...No one will read it. No one will care.

Now THIS is where the Chris Christies of the world came up with the phase, "FO---GET about it!"

But...an elephant never forgets...or Fo--gets, either.

And, even though during that two week period we referenced earlier...the news of Romney not winning Maine...will not really be news...there will be plenty of "other things" that a dying elephant will be able to remember...that at least one elephant wishes the others would forget.

The next two republican primaries were, for about the 17th time during this primary season...supposed to re-establish Mitt Romney as inevitable, electable, de-lightful, de-lovely, thrifty, brave, clean AND reverent. And, with any luck, Fernando Lamas would begin appearing at Romney Rallies to tell Mitt, You look...MARVELOUS!"

But...those DAMNED elephants!

It turns out...not only do they not "forget"...but, they're a little strict on the whole "spare the rod and spoil the candidate thing," too.

Which puts Mitt in the worst of all possible worlds.

Don't get me wrong. There are any number of reasons why I said from the start that Mitt had NO SHOT at becoming the nominee. In fact...one night when a republican friend ASSURED ME I was "on CRACK" for doubting the Romney inevitability...I remember saying, "Oh yeah...I'll bet you TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS! You wanna BET?"

He said he wasn't a betting man, couldn't remember which other agency he was going to dismantle...I didn't really have the money...and, I was already too busy firing people, paying my illegal gardner, managing my Swiss bank accounts, securing endorsements from witches...AND, being reminded about my commitment to sticking a fork in the...auto...industry, two weeks before the, Michigan...

"I said WHAT?"

"WAS I...ON, CRACK?"

"YEAH...THAT'S IT. I was on crack. We'll bury the story on Page 83, next to the Asphalt coupon and the real unemployment numbers...and no one will even remember that I told the entire auto industry  to scratch my ass."

Yes Sir, Mr. Inevitable, Sir...But, there's just one little problem.

"You're referring to..."

Yes, Sir...

"THOSE GOSH DAMNED ELEPHANTS! WHAT IS THEIR PROBLEM?"

Let me inject myself back into the story long enough to say that "THEIR PROBLEM" is the 1) They never Forget, and B) The closer they get...the more you look like a jackass.

And, if we need a spiritual reference, we could add the one about the Prophet being respected everywhere, except in his hometown...yada, yada, yada.

Which...oh by the way...Michiganders were also supposed to remember (in this two week period)...that Mitt's dad was the Chris Christie of Lansing, back in the late 1800's...before any of them were born...Mitt launched his 2008 campaign for President at a rally at a car museum in Michigan...AND...at least for  purposes of THE MICHIGAN PRIMARY...all of that qualified Romney as the Favorite Son Candidate" in ALL 54 States, Districts & Territories which will hold nominating events.

But alas...Mitt showed up to the dance in Michigan...and the Elephants were there to great him.

He was greeted by more hecklers, more glitter-bombs, and worse yet...people who wanted to know why in God's name they should vote for HIM...when HE was the guy... Who said that if HE were President...his position would be that the auto industry should have been allowed to fail.

Ruh-roh.

Yes...we have ALL been half-way into a sentence, at some time in our life..and BEFORE THE NEXT NATURAL AUDIBLE PAUSE...we had already made a mental note, betting OURSELVES $10,000...that THIS ONE is gonna come back to bite us in the ass someday.

And, thanks to your Elephant Friends...That day, Mr. Inevitable...

...is only a couple of days away.

The worst of even Big Pharmaceutically enhanced nightmares for this band of your dying Elephant Brothers...is upon you.

Mitt is OFFICIALLY..."Toast".

Maine will be reversed. And, by the time ballot ONE is cast in Arizona...Tricky Rick will have been "declared" by CNN...the Winner in Michigan...even before the polls close.

Arizona will be the final nail in Romney's Inevitable Political Coffin...and that ARMY of high-powered early endorsers will be removing all references to those endorsements from their respective Wiki & Facebook Pages, sanitizing their Tweets...and spanning the globe in search of a new candidate...to help them get through, the agony of defeat.

Because as crazy as it was to think that Mitt Romney was ever going to be able to put together a coalition of the "Willing to Settle" on the Pretty Face Candidate...

NONE of the Elephants can even COUNT HIGH ENOUGH (in negative numbers, of course) to calculate the size of the loss which would be contained in the unmerciful BEAT DOWN which Santorum would get from The President.

Romney's campaign has set the republican party back by only 4 years.

A SANTORUM NOMINATION...would START at setting the Party back to Barry Goldwater...then make both Herbie Hoover...and (with no disrespect to that octogenarian hottie, Nancy Kassebaum)...even Alf Landon, look like a good choice.

So, what happens in two weeks when Mitt is forced out?

You won't believe me...You never do...but...even before the new GROUP of candidates emerges, (we'll talk about them later...) The Fat Lizard will make one last case for himself...the Romney vote will divvy up...and Santorum will...if even for just a fleeting moment...think that those same Elephants that kacked The Mighty Mitt...had COMPLETELY LOST both their mind AND their memory.

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