Friday, February 17, 2012

Thank You, Mr. Gingrich. The Next Question is for Mr...Gingrich

You just KNEW when Snootie Newtie was the only one of then about a dozen or so candidates to accept the invitation to participate in the ill-fated Donald Chump Debate...that somehow that wouldn't be the last of this presidential cycle's "CANCELLATIONS".

Yeah sure...If Chump hadn't formally cancelled the earlier affair, there is NO DOUBT that The Fat Lizard would have actually shown up, KNOWING that he would be asked EVERY question. And, yes...of course he would have been under an inordinate amount of pressure, with no time between questions to re-group or collect himself. Perhaps...Newt would even say something SO ridiculous in response to a question, that Newt might have been compelled to even "GO AFTER" Newt in a follow up question...OR, request an additional thirty second period of time to respond to something that Newt said in his previous answer, since in that previous answer, his name was mentioned.

But, in order to get the full picture on what happened have to look behind the "that was then and this is now" nature of what was occurred in connection with the Chump Debate.

The Chump Debate would have been early in the process. The world (other than the good people here at "Thoughts") felt that Mitt was "The Chosen"...that Newt had already been taken off of life support...knew that Tricky Ricky Sanitarium prayed every night to one day be at least treated with the respect of a D-List Cartoon Character, and that Rick W. Perry was still showing up to major events both drunk AND stupid.

Apparently, when he was at "Candidate School," no one told Rick W. that you COULD show up EITHER drunk, OR stupid...but never BOTH. Kinda makes it a Hobson's Choice when you and Stupid are Siamese Twins.

In any that we are down to only four candidates...NONE OF WHOM will ever be the nominee of the republican party (at least not for 2012)...the boys at CNN (headquartered in Atlanta, GA) were gittin' real 'cited-like, about their up-cummin' be held in that Cosmopolitan Capital of North Georgia, and which would take place just a few days before "Super Tuesday".

What's so "Super" about Super Tuesday in this election cycle, is another situation as mysterious as the international bewilderment over the notion that Rick Sanitarium does appear to be able to walk upright...and occasionally mutter a borderline cogent collection of syllables which doesn't leave Jesus Christ shaking his head and penning yet another formal apology.


But, back to Georgia...

Of COURSE, Newt accepted the invitation to the last dance before the Fat Lady belts out the names of all four of the four finalists. This time, however...Ron Paul, Mitt and Tricky Ricky didn't have Donald Chump to kick around and use as any part of the reason why they would not be able to attend. With all three rejecting an opportunity to participate in the CNN Debate due to "SCHEDULING ISSUES"...the real reason (singular) for their dissing of "The Wolf" had really nothing to do with Mr. Blitzer, at all. This, notwithstanding the fact that during the last CNN De-bacle...even my 96 year old Great Aunt called me from 3000 miles away to tell me that if Wolf had been within "bitch-slapping distance"...HIS "obnoxious little ass" WAS HERS!

But again, since we always try to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the ways which make the truth even funnier than you thought it could be...let's take a look at the real reason why the collection of remaining republican presidential candidates whose names don't end with, "FAT LIZARD"...decided to GANG-TAZE their reptilian cohort, while being willing to simultaneously run the risk of incurring the wrath of the world's 13th or 14th ranked 24/7/365 (actually 366) all re-ran news, all the time cable outlet.

Mitt can't stop the Santorum Surge. So...why give the current Team Captain of the Knights Templar one more opportunity to deliver a highly suspect soprano rendition of "Onward Christian Soldiers"...when you could otherwise force him to get his message out to much smaller audiences by requiring either the purchase of 30 second television commercials...or, wading through North Dakota pig farms carrying an oxygen tank and a 40 gallon drum of Fabreze? (Or, perhaps...landing a Guest Starring role on "Glee".)

If you're Tricky Ricky...and you're buying into the fact that you're a week or so away from "Fisting the Mittster" in one of his 19 "Home States," to wit., Michigan...and, that you might even pull off the big upset in Arizona...Well, no need to let Gov. Mormon have a chance to get back in the game by his shining an unanticipated light into your closet just a couple of nights before the Big Game.

And...if you're Ron Paul...and you realize that Super Tuesday is nothing more than...the day before you unofficially and informally kick off your 3rd Party Campaign...In THAT case, wouldn't showing up for THAT debate be kinda like Bill Daley using the White House Xerox machine to copy his resume for three weeks before he quit as Chief of Staff? Just not cool...even in tough economic times.

On the other hand...IF, CNN had decided to hold this debate in, for example...Aliquippa, Pennsylvania??
Might Tricky Ricky have been willing to cruise into an ice rink that only HE knew was twelve feet smaller than regulation...and where only he knew EXACTLY how to play the carom off of the boards?

Would Mitt have agreed to appear IF, CNN allowed him to select the "home state" of his choice as the debate location...AND, allowed only the 3,240 members of Mitt's Immediate and Extended Family to attend?? AND, for one night only...lifted the "please hold your applause til the end" restriction?

Would Ron Paul have perhaps JUMPED at the chance to do the dance, IF and only if...CNN agreed to change the name of the program to "The CNN First-Ever Republican-Libertarian-Tea Party-Americans Elect-What the HELL was the name of that Ross Perot Party-Oh, For God's Sake Can We Just Audit The Damned FED And Get It Over With...Party Debate"????? I suspect, he would. Especially if the event could be co-sponsored by N.O.R.M.L., take place at Arizona State University's Grady Gammage Auditorium, and feature a warm up duet by Kelly Clarkson and Snoop Dogg singing, "Why Don't We Do It in The Road"?

In case you're wondering what I'll be doing in 2016...I'll be producing presidential debates for CNN.

But again, back to Atlanta...

Newt Gingrich is, contrary to his rather unique interpretation of the next chapter of his Personal Nostradarian Prognosticatory Fantasy...two weeks away from having his official job title change from "Disgraced Former Speaker of the House AND Presidential Candidate", very simply..."Serial Sexual Predator and Fat Lizard...and, oh yeah...Disgraced Former Speaker, blah, blah, blah."

So...if you were Ron Paul, The Ghost of Joseph Smith, or a psycho-sociopathic Senator turned lobbyist whose wife was still sleeping with a 70+ year old guy...until about an hour before you begged her to marry MIGHT not want to give "Newt of the NINETEEN LIVES," one more chance at his 18th personal renaissance...BY DEBATING HIM...not just in his adopted home state...but WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE OF THE CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT HE REPRESENTED FOR TWO DECADES...AND COULD LIKELY WIN AGAIN, if the Evil Spirit moved him.

Sure, the entire rest of the world thought Newt would have been signing books, cultivating BP as a lobbying client, cashing checks from Fannie & Freddie...and interviewing potential wives who were hot enough to get him elected in 2024, by this time. I get that. But SERIOUSLY, it got closer to drop dead day, ASK YOURSELVES...Would it have more embarrassing to buy Wolfie & Friends plane tickets TO A NEUTRAL LOCATION...WHERE THERE WAS NO UPCOMING PRIMARY TAKING PLACE AND WHERE NONE OF THE CANDIDATES HAD A QUITE LITERAL "IN-BRED ADVANTAGE"...or to have the "Gaggle of Three confirm everything Bill O'Reilly says about you...independently, and in one fell swoop?

Having said all of that...I'm still as pissed as Newt, about you actually canceling the debate. Just like Donald COULD have put Newt up there all by himself. You could even have had FOUR podiums. You COULD have made Newt answer each question from behind a different podium. You COULD have required each answer to be representative of each VERSION of Newt which he has been since becoming a Member of Congress in 1979.  He's already up to "Newt: Version 9.0"...So, you had at least five podiums to spare.

It would be Newt that had to worry about things...not CNN. He WOULD have to be careful answering anything in Newt: 4.0.  That had a TON of bugs in it. And, sure...Newt 6.0 was completely unstable (shades of Newt 1.0, which apparently would crash anywhere)...and yeah, Newt 9.0 is still in there's really no telling WHAT THAT Newt might say or do.

But, DAMN...that could have been great TV...the BEST and most informative OF the 726 debates thus far...AND, maybe even YOUR call from the Big Club which might give you one last chance to get back to "The Show". As it stands've got nuthin'. We've got nuthin'. Damn...we better not stand too close to each other. People might think we're the Republican National Committee.

Next time...have at least three live brain cells, maybe a hair or two on your collective ass...and at least one ball that doesn't say Rawlings on it. You could have made this happen.

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