Monday, March 5, 2012

Ashcroft Endorsement Puts Romney Over The Top!

Apologies to those who actually do enjoy this blog going up in the middle of the night most nights.

Unfortunately...late yesterday, I had three different topics being contemplated, and was having some trouble deciding if good humor, or something more serious should be the order of the day.

Then...I read an article in "A MAJOR NATIONAL PURVEYOR OF PUNDANCY"...and "the Way" was made clear.

Two supposedly MAJOR endorsements were announced yesterday, in support of The Mighty Mittster, which this article suggests will have the other three remaining candidates calling it quits in no time.

The least significant of the two new Romney endorsements comes from House Majority Leader, Eric Cantor.

I say "least significant"...because even 49% of republican House Members would stare at the floor or off in the distance when pressed on the issue of whether they even voted for the guy in the first place.

One 30 second observation of Cantor and you would bet the farm that this guy spent all of high school and three years of college in a trash can, locked in a locker, with a wedgie...AND a "Kick Me" sign that couldn't be seen IN the locker...but, it just wouldn't be right if it wasn't there.

Plus...Cantor said yesterday that it was important for him to make the announcement BEFORE SUPER TUESDAY.

Note to House Majority Leader Cantor:

YOU ARE FROM VIRGINIA...WHERE ONLY MITT ROMNEY AND RON PAUL ARE ON THE BALLOT!

DO YOU SO FEAR RON PAUL...THAT YOU FELT YOUR ENDORSEMENT WAS NECESSARY TO SAVE THE MASSACHUSSETTES MODERATE FROM A THRASHING AT THE HANDS OF The Grand Old Party's GRAND OLD MAN?

Cantor's endorsement was, in reality...as meaningless as Eric Cantor.

Sorry, Mrs. Cantor. Some things never change.

On to THE REAL ENDORSEMENT of the day.

Wow!

Mitt! Willard! Whatever new name, you intend to take after the "white smoke" proclaims your impending Mormon Papacy...

FINALLY...you can take a deep breath!

Your 50 year quest for relevance is at an end.

"Former Attorney General"...John Ashcroft...has SAID IT IS SO!

But WAIT...as they say...THERE'S MORE!

I mean...if the endorsement Romney was getting from a "Former Attorney General"...was from Former Attorney General "EDMUND JENNINGS RANDOLPH"...who...had a major hand in actually penning things like, oh...I don't know...

THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES! (Maybe you've heard of it?)

MAYBE...the endorsement would have some value.

HOWEVER...lest ANYONE FORGET...

John Ashcroft, was chosen by GEORGE W. BUSH to serve as Attorney General...after the voters in his home state of Missouri found him to be such a poor candidate for the US Senate...THAT THEY ELECTED A DEAD GUY...rather than vote for Ashcroft.

To remind those who don't recall...Ashcroft was A SITTING UNITED STATES SENATOR...running for RE-ELECTION in 2000.

A  MONTH BEFORE THE ELECTION...the Democratic Candidate DIED IN A PLANE CRASH. Missouri Courts refused to allow the candidate's name to be either replaced or even withdrawn from the ballot.

When the counting was completed...John Ashcroft, the Sitting Senator, had lost BY FIFTY THOUSAND VOTES...to Mel Carnahan...a.k.a...

"THE DEAD GUY"!

And...if you thought THAT was John's Crowning Life Achievement...

...then you forget, that as Attorney General...Ashcroft agreed to PLAY DEAD...in order that Dick Cheney could get both enhanced surveillence of US Citizens, and torture of terror suspects either renewed or in place.

ASHCROFT ALSO...wrote, and then SANG AT A NATIONALLY TELEVISED PRESS CONFERENCE...his Smash Hit Single, "When the Eagle Soars".

...which, by itself explains how he lost to THE DEAD GUY.

Oh...and just for good measure, John Ashcroft...covered the partially clad statues OF BLIND JUSTICE in federal buildings, WITH BLUE CURTAINS and maybe MOST EGREGIOUSLY...CREATED AND SIGNED OFF ON THE FEDERAL PLOT TO ENTRAP COMEDIAN TOMMY CHONG, by conspiring to secure passage of a statute in one state regarding the introduction of drug paraphernalia into that state...and then ordering a bong from Chong's internet-based company...located in a state where his activities were entirely legal.

Tommy Chong ended up in a federal penitentiary...while Ashcroft's "TIPS" Program...which HE CREATED...and which calls for US Citizens TO REPORT THEIR NEIGHBORS TO THE FEDS (especially if your A-Hole neighbor keeps blocking the place where YOUR trash cans go...) so that they can be perhaps flown to a secret prison in Yemen...FOR FURTHER INTERROGATION...under one off his OTHER remaining programs.

Boy, "Mitt"...YOU ARE "IN"!

Just hope Barack Obama STAYS ALIVE for 8 months. Ashcroft had a ZERO PERCENT WIN RATE...AGAINST DEAD GUYS.

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