Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls...
I started running this story down late in the day yesterday. And, I have to tell you...when I first heard it, I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it. I refused to believe it.
However...a few hours ago, a very good source...a solid source, within the Romney Campaign...was willing and able to confirm that Bain Capital was within hours, quite literally...of launching a brand new company...and that the new Bain-Backed entity would use The Rush Limbaugh Program and its "E-I-B Network" as the vehicle to introduce the new enterprise to the world.
Now...I have to admit...I still didn't believe it, until I managed to get my hands on an Advance Copy of the actual tape of Rush rehearsing the very first commercial spot for the Bain-Backed Company, and the Actual Copy to be used as part of the corporate kickoff.
So...since you can't actually hear the tape...but you do know "El Rushbo's" rather distinct, if not particularly dulcet tones...and you are likely familiar with his penchant for thoroughly condescending, and equally candy-assed intonations and inflections...I heartily invite and encourage you to enjoy, while being further disgusted (as I was, am, and will yet be) by the lengths to which Mitt Romney and his Wall St. Tycoon buddies...are willing to go to keep "The Majarushie" in the $50 Million Dollar a year lifestyle...to which he has become..."ac-cus-tomed".
Direct from today's Limbaugh Show Producer's Log...
"Rush's Rant, Introducing New Advertiser".
Now Folks...You've heard an awful lot from the drive-by media, and of course the rest of the Hate America Firsters, the Soros-Backed Libs, and even most of the democraps up on the Hill...about how we, here at the E-I-B Network are losing advertisers...we're being bounced off of the air by two-bit, radio stations in East Nowhereville, New England and on a South Pacific Island where nobody actually listens, because as best as anyone can tell...either nobody lives there, or...maybe King Kamehameha had always intended the Atlantis-like location to serve as a prison colony for child molesters...and a place where people like Nancy Pelosi and Dingy Harry might like to "va--ca--sheone"...after the Tea Party, AND WE...teach them the meaning up the word respect again in just a couple of months.
Hell, I don't know...maybe there's even a "vault" located on this previously uncharted island...where the Hawaiian Secretary of State is keeping "the REAL...Barack Obama Birth Certificate" under "lock and key"
You know...the one the has the word..."Kenya"...CROSSED...OUT...at the top...right in the center...The one we'll never see until at least, January of 20---FIFTY-FIVE??? Yeah...that one.
Anyway...Folks...I'm hear to tell ya, once again...that all of these LIES that are being spread by the liberal media, the drive-bys, and of course the Soros-Supported "Oc---cupiers"...who, in reality don't know a THING about what we really do here, or have even so much as a CLUE, about what's happening inside the Hallowed Halls of...the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies...is complete and utter BULL.
It's crap. It's Bull. It's ridiculous. And, that's all there is to it.
What? Losing advertisers?
Folks, we're not losing advertisers. We're gaining more Patriotic, American Sponsors...DAY---LY! I could stop taking the three calls a day that I do take and flood these waves with enough conservative-generated ad revenue...to...to...to...get Michele Bacmann back in the race...and get her elected!
But that's not why we're here today, Folks.
I'm here today to ask you a very simple question.
Are you important enough...TO YOU...to not only want, but demand...no, REQUIRE that when it's time for someone to buy you a gift...or...when you decide to buy yourself a gift...you accept NOTHING BUT THE...BEST...no matter WHAT mood you happen to be in?
And now...before you answer, let me warn you...If you aren't already screaming "YES, YES, YES" loud enough for Joe Biden to hear you sixteen floors below ground...in his permanent "Un-dis-closed...location"...turn your radio off right now, cancel your subscription to the Limbaugh Letter and cast a vote for Al Franken.
I'm serious....Hell, vote for Frankenberry twice...because Folks...if you don't love yourself enough to proclaim your entitlement to greatness on an all-day...EV-ER-Y day basis...
Frankly...you don't deserve to be here...and the rest of us don't want you around.
You're still here?
Good. I knew you would be.
Now that we completely, and thoroughly understand one another...get out a pad and pen...and write this down.
GONE TODAY------HERE TOMORROW.
No...you heard it right.
What is it, you say?
Well...nothing but the most exciting, most creative, impressive and world-altering example of Yankee ingenuity and entrepreneurial spirit and achievement since, oh, I don't know...FACEBOOK.
Yes, Folks...the good people at GONE TODAY------HERE TOMORROW have taken a concept SO...SIMPLE that I can't believe WE didn't come up with it...and perfected it...for YOUR benefit.
Let's say your looking for a new set of cuff links. An interesting and exotic conversation starter for your personal library, game room, or home...THE-A-TER...or any gift that you or others want you to have in order to tell the so-call "99%"...just how special YOU really ARE...
Oh sure...you could get something that had diamonds, or the latest gadget with a "i" in its name, or even commission a BUST of yourself to adorn every hallway, stairwell and alcove in your very hum-ble abode.
But, why would you? Welfare recipients can do the same thing under Obamacare and the Amnesty Program that'S on the horizon.
Oh yeah...Amnesty's coming, people...and I thInk you know it.
But anyway...When you want to be treated like the person you know you are...one of the few, the proud, the Folks who made this great country all that it was under Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan...AND CAN BE ONCE AGAIN...once we elect Mitt Romney...
When you want that gift for you or any of our ONE, PER---CENT PALS...
You've gotta call the SCIEN--TISTS and other brainiacs at GONE TODAY------HERE TOMORROW!
Screw those diamond cuff links. Toss 'em! Try a pair of SNAIL DARTER Cuff Links on for size! Movie posters on your theater room wall?
Hell NO! Clooney is just going to donate more of your hard earned money to feed people in Darfur...and guess what? They're going to just die tomorrow, anyway...
Just like the Snail Dater, the Snow Leopard, the Bug-Eyed Frog, the Achalas 4-Eyed Frog, the African "WILD---ASS"...and even the Bhutan Giant Flying Squirrel!
You know it, I know it, the American People know it...and frankly...there 'isn't a damn thing ANY-ONE can do to turn back the hands of time, or slow the progress of the ultimate dominance of "CIV-il-ized" beings, over 4-Eyed or "BUG-EYED frogs, Flying Squirrels and half-inch fish that serve no damned purpose other than to block construction of Oregonian Damns, and put family farmers out of business, anyway.
SO...and stay with me on this, Folks...
What the good people at GONE TODAY------HERE TOMORROW have done...FOR YOU...is to, for the very FIRST time in history CREATE an ENVIRONMENT...and I have to tell you...it's almost GOD-LIKE, what these people have done...
They've created an environment where you CAN finally HAVE...ONE OF A KIND GIFTS.
EXCLUSIVE items that LITERALLY...YOU CAN'T FIND ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD.
Oh...I know what you're thinking...you're going to show up at an NRA, CPAC, AIPAC or other function with your Bhutan Giant Flying Squirrel Skin Boots or your 4-Eyed Frog lapel pin...and BAM! Across the Room there's Todd Palin with the SAME AC--COO--TRE--MAH?
If you think that my friends, you'd be as wrong as Nancy Pelosi on climate change, Barack Obama on health care, or Tiger Woods on how not to get caught double and triple dipping on an open Ambien prescription.
You SEE...WHAT, THEY DO...at GONE TODAY------HERE TOMORROW is...they've bought 'em up.
ALL of 'em.
Every, Snail Darter, Snow Leopard, Giant Flying Squirrel...and 2,451 other "So---called"...en-dangered species.
Yeah! I'm not kidding ya, Folks. It's true.
And, when you place ANY ORDER from their COMPLETE catalog of Endangered Species...
...the folks at GONE TODAY------HERE TOMORROW...
...They kill off ALL BUT ONE (or the specific number of the species that YOU simply MUST HAVE...)
...so that YOUR boots, gloves, tie pin, exotic dinner delicacy, or even bulletproof encased desk ornament or wall mount WILL BE...
...one of a kind.
And that's not even the fun part!
Not only do they guarantee that there will be no other item like yours ANYWHERE in the world. But...if you call right now to 1-800-HISTORY. That's 1-800-H-I-S-T-O-R-Y...you get free shipping...free updates on additions to the endangered species list...AND...this is the one that got ME hooked...
...Order now, and GONE TODAY---HERE TOMORROW will secretly arrange to have EVERY ONE OF YOUR RADICAL LIBERAL 99% FRIENDS...and numerous members of both GREENPEACE...AND THE WORLD WILDLIFE FEDERATION...
...AT YOUR HOME...WHEN YOUR PACKAGE ARRIVES.
Now...don't call yet, because as always....THERE"S STILL MORE!
You get the LAST of the species, the FREE SHIPPING, FREE UPDATES, PRE-ARRANGED LURING OF LIBERAL WACK JOBS to YOUR HOME..AND...
...the GONE TODAY---HERE TOMORROW "IRON-CLAD GUARANTEE"!
When you open your package...your LIBERAL friends...and the lunatics we've lured to your property, WILL SEIZE AND Ex----PIRE...NOT ONLY BEFORE THEY GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE (which apparently the lawyers tell me IS LEGAL)...BUT..
...WE GUARANTEE...that anybody and everybody you ever wanted to get rid of WILL BE GONE BEFORE THEY CAN GET OUT OF THE ROOM YOU ARE IN!.
How about THAT, Folks"
You get to slip on your Giant Flying Squirrel Boots...AND WATCH LIBERALS AND TREE HUGGERS DIE IN THE PROCESS...
...and it's guaranteed.
Priceless? Well...not exactly...because...since I don't have ANY REAL COMPANIES...:like those pricks at MASTECARD, buying time on the program anymore...I'm not allowed TO SAY "PRICELESS"
OOPS...PRICELESS, PRICELESS, PRICELESS!
Hey, Mr. Priceless...How would YOU like to see MY NEW BOOTS?
But seriously, Folks...These toys are NOT cheap...but...they're for YOU...the ONE PERCENT. They don't have to be.
So...CALL NOW! 1-800-HISTORY. That's 1-800-H-I-S-T-O-R-Y. Order your 1 of a Kind Item, TODAY...and, MOST IMPORTANTLY...
Don't just kill a 4-Eyed Frog...
KILL A ROOMFUL OF LIBERALS!!!
We'll be right back after these 72 unpaid Public Service Announcements.
(Forgets to turn off microphone)
...SLUTS! F'IN SLUTS!!!