Thursday, March 15, 2012

Romney Takes The Lead...In The New Muppet Movie!

No...This is not a cheesy reference to Goldman Sachs executives referring to their clients as "Muppets".
This is just...one of those times when you really do have to take a few steps back, look at your life as a whole and think..."BOY, am I glad I'm not an almost BILLIONAIRE with a God complex and a presidential fantasy."
In case you haven't noticed...and from this past month's emails...a surprising number of you have...I've gone to great lengths to eliminate "profanity" from this blog. Oh sure, there has been the "occasional" use of the classic "F-apostrophe-d" in moments when referencing something just too outrageous to be appropriately indicated using a more conventional 15th Century vernacular.
However...when you really examine not only a republican PRESIDENTIAL RACE which opened with:
1. The suggestion that SARAH PALIN HAD ANY RIGHT TO EVEN PLACE HER DISGRACED NAME IN NOMINATION,
2. The DECLARATION that Michele Bachmann was the first "frontrunner,"
3. The observation of a morally bankrupt and certified MORON (in 37 States, and by AT LEAST "4 out of 5 Doctors) like Herman Cain...AGAIN, having the testicals to deem himself worthy to occupy the same office which housed Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt and only 44 people...EVER,
4. The assembly for discussion on a near-nightly basis...of the largest single collection of pungent, sphincter-esque expulsions, ever assembled in one room, on one stage, IN THE HISTORY OF TIME...cloaked in the guise of presidential debates...WHERE THE ONLY DEBATE WAS, "WHO IS...THE MOST COPIOUS DOUCHE BAG, FROM AMONG THIS GAGGLE OF CERTIFIED MEDICAL DEVICES?"...
4. A guy who was once 3rd in the line of succession to the presidency...AND WHO GOT FIRED IN LIEU OF BEING PROSECUTED... THINKING THAT 330 MILLION AMERICANS HAD A COLLECTIVE BRAIN FART AND FORGOT WHO HE WAS...
5. A defeated and "PSYCHOTIC BY ANY STANDARD" former Senator WHOSE ONLY SIGNIFICANT CLAIM TO FAME IS THAT HE ONCE EQUATED GAY MARRIAGE AS THE NATURAL PRECURSOR TO "MAN ON DOG LOVE"...AND MARRIAGE TO "INANIMATE OBJECTS SUCH AS THE EIFFEL TOWER"...and who should have been HERMETICALLY SEALED IN A HEFTY CINCH SACK before even announcing the results of his most recent psychotic break...
I mean...
...Is there no one among us, who CAN'T SEE why Mitt had to be licking just a little more than his chops at that first Iowa Debate?
"Heck"...I'm guessing Mitt was printing tickets to the Inaugural Ball even before downing his first ten pounds of fried butter.
He probably had 7 or 8 additional First Ladies-In Waiting all lined up, and was already negotiating to replace the Goldman Sachs portion of the Cabinet...with Ex-Bainers.
HE WAS RUNNING AGAINST SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DOLTS!
THE SITTING PRESIDENT IS IN FIVE WARS, WITH RECORD UNEMPLOYMENT, EVEN THE WHITE HOUSE IN FORECLOSURE...AND GASOLINE MORE EXPENSIVE THAN "THE ESSENCE" OF THE FATTEST OF SEVENTEEN KARDASHIAN SISTERS.
And then...I remembered something.
Something my Grandfather used to say to me as a child.
Something he said to me every time I acted like there was only one possible outcome to a set of circumstances...
...when I simply could NOT BELIEVE that things didn't turn out even BETTER than I had planned, programmed and DECLARED them to be.
And, though my wonderful Grandfather has been gone for more than three decades...TO THIS DAY...when-EVER I find myself confident to the point of nirvana...there it is...
...that unmistakable voice...loud, clear, and as though God and Fred (my Grandfather) were knocking back a cold one and watching over me directly.
My guess is that Fred doesn't really WANT to say it...BUT...God is probably egging him on...
"Do it, Freddie...Say it again. C'mon, My Son...I'll...cure the common cold...Anything you want."
Same story, different cure. Either way, the next thing I know...my best laid plans are following my life into the crapper...and the pseudo-Godlike voice of my Grandfather wants to know...
"FUCKHEAD!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!"
To alllllllllll of you said such nice things about not using a lot of capitals...and not using profanity...all I can say is...
A. THAT'S WHAT HE USED TO SAY...AND HOW HE USED TO DAY IT, and...
B. With everything that has happened in this campaign...there is no more appropriate recipient of that admonishment, ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD...than Willard "I got my Mitt stuck in my zipper" Romney.
Trust me on this, Friends...you honestly don't have to be a visionary to know or see how the world, and this country have changed since 2008.
Sure...it didn't START in 2008. But, it sure as "heck" crystallized. Yes, there has always been some level of polarization, politically, ideologically...and in countless other ways. To suggest otherwise would be to deny the occurrence of the Civil War, the battle of the Sexes, Lite Beer Commercials...and of course Voodoo Economics.
And...I honestly DO understand that the hardest thing to accept about ANY significant change in the way ANYTHING is done...is THE TIMING at which the change is implemented or takes place.
"NEW"...contrary to Madison Avenue hype...is rarely "IMPROVED".
It's just new.
Human beings have a documented "natural aversion to change". We don't like it. We want to do things THE WAY WE HAVE ALWAYS DONE THEM.
In a sense...it's the essence of conservativism.
And, in this instance...we have an absolutely convoluted situation where a misguided attempt to do things...the way they've always been done...had created a serious of scenarios...liked none that any of us had ever seen before...
...at least not in this lifetime.
There have been conflicts. Never has everyone who wanted a job, had one. There was always that one family...or two...that your church gave canned goods to...
People like Barry Goldwater and Michael Dukakis were able to get nominated. And, guys like Bill Clinton and The Shrub even got elected...twice.
But...ANYONE in 2012...who thinks that just because they have the most money, the best teeth, more Armani suits than Georgio, himself...friends who own at least their own planet, if not galaxy...197 IMMEDIATE family members to act as surrogates... No major closet skeletons rattling to get out...other than being a member of an arguable cult...
...well...why WOULD anyone else think they could beat that guy?
He was 2nd last time...AND...THAT'S THE WAY WE ALWAYS DO IT.
Mitt was "ENTITLED" to this nomination. He started working for it from the day he was born the Son of a Governor. And, when he took an ass-kicking from Insane McCain back in '08...Willard did what every republican Also-Ran had done since 1860.
He started icing down the champagne wrapped in a sheet of plastic under a sign that read, "Do NOT open until 2012"...
...to which I can only reply...
"FUCKHEAD!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"
Sure, you are NOT "a Massachussettes Moderate"...At least not by choice.
Yes...you have a...sense of entitlement, no clear position on any issue, you love firing people, your wife can magically drive two cars at once, you own your own plane, you don't really care about the poor, you baptize dead Jews in order to save them...you...drive cross-country with MAN'S BEST FRIEND strapped to the roof of your car, you sent more American Jobs to India and China than the fired and disgraced Carly Fiorina...you don't drink or smoke...excessive skiing and chess are your only vices...you can OWN Pepsi (The Company) but, you can't drink your own product...and, oh yeah...you're a member of a cult whose dogma includes the notion that Satan is the Brother of Jesus Christ...
Then again...you WERE 2nd in the last go-round.
Hmmm...knowing what we know about the emergence of the Tea Party, the fact that Citizen's United DIDN'T ONLY APPLY TO YOU...Christians, DON'T CONSIDER MORMONS...CHRISTIANS, AND...
ALL OF THOSE THINGS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED WHICH YOU DIDN'T SEE AS IMPEDIMENTS TO SUCCESS...but really are...
Please, Willie...and I understand...it wasn't easy bein' Green for Kermit the Frog. It isn't easy having to count all of your money, cars and houses. It isn't easy, what with ALL of those deceased Jews that only you can save. It isn't easy not being able to suck down a COKE ZERO on a summer day.  And GOD KNOWS...
...IT AIN'T EASY WATCHING THE TWO-HEADED DEVIL ITSELF take you apart piece...by...piece...when you KNOW, and even God KNOWS...that if ever this world would SELF "F'in" DESTRUCT...
IT WOULD BE THE DAY TRICKY SANITARIUM BECAME THE MOST, POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD.
I mean...YOU have to be about a month and a half away from shooting up a Post Office.
No...wait. I got that wrong. We USED to shoot up Post Offices when we got depressed. We' ve gone on to schools and colleges...and courthouses. And, there aren't 1 or 2 families getting free food from churches...99% of families need free food. Only "Snobs" go to college anymore. Only "Sluts" go to law school". Only Ex-Governors get indicted, get reality television shows...or both...and...
I'm sorry, Mitt...but, even I have to ask...
...with EVERY OTHER ASPECT of life life as we knew it...TOTALLY CHANGED...since as recently as 2008!!!!
...and virtually the ONLY THING you had going for you being that you finished second...in a nominating process that occurred BEFORE THE  ACTUAL CHANGE IN THE "NEW & IMPROVED" WAY WE DO THINGS, actually was introduced...
C'mon...say it with Freddie...
"FUCKHEAD!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"
And...to my readers...
Not only did God give me a pass on this Posting, BUT...with any luck...He'll also send a cure for Terminal Santorum.

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