Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Imagine They Held A Primary...And Nobody Cared

In the final days of the Florida Republican Primary Campaign...

Rick Santorum used his dying daughter, yet again, to pretend to be called away from Florida.

Ron Paul didn't even pretend. He just left.

Mitt Romney essentially declared victory in Florida...and that he has just enough money to actually purchase "The Country Formerly Known As America"...even if he loses the Real Election.

And...Newt was not only both disgraced (yet again), and a disgrace (if to no one else, most certainly to all "Historians")...but, he was also slipping into a funk worse than his 2010 realization that declaring for President someday would in fact, require the already Fat Lizard to one day consume Fried Sticks of Butter in a part of the country where bullshit should really only be something you have to avoid while walking in a pasture.

And, then...it was Tuesday, again.

"The BIG ONE".

The one that was supposed to have Michele Bachmann, Herman Cain and Newt dividing the Teabagger vote...

Rick Perry and Rick Santorum dividing the Evangelical vote...

Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman dividing the votes of the 57 Florida members of the All-Star Magic Underwear Band...

Ron Paul running ads reminding 92% of the State's residents that they should, "VOTE 4 ME, ya Silly Bastards...I Got Blue Hair, TOO!"...

AND, of course...

On Wednesday morning, when no frontrunner had emerged...

George Will would personally introduce Jeb Bush and Chris Christie to America as "The Chosen"...in order that The Bush Dynasty might serve as backdrop for the new George Will offering entitled, "Succession Planning & Natural Selection...A Conceptual Primer".

However...not only did something funny happen on the way to implosion. But...I think it's safe to say that other things occurred which neither George Orwell, Stephen King, nor Woody Allen could create...and which you might only believe if the story was produced and directed by Tom Shadyac.

One by one, almost all of the original 3,257 republican candidates fell victim to various scandals...

...and some even quit the race as a result.

And...I didn't even mention Tim Pawlenty...who left the race after no more than the first Straw Poll. (Something tells me that his best friend...a "very popular" and equally outgoing sheep from The Iron Range, suggested that "there may, in fact, be a pho-to...or two out there...which couldn't be accounted for...)

So here we are...

2:38 A.M., and I can't decide if the voice I'm hearing sounds more like Joe Friday...or Bob Hope, as either or both might preview the day's events...as though those same events had actually occurred long, long ago...in a land time forgot.

Newt, on the other hand, is somewhere trying to determine if the voice he's hearing is the Narrator from The St. Valentine's Day Massacre...(At 2:38 A.M. on the last morning of his life...Newton Leroy Gingrich, looked in the mirror and reminded himself...I'm good enough, I'm smart enough...DAMMIT, WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY LIKE ME?)...

Or...if that little voice he's hearing is Sheldon Adelson, sharing his new Campaign Rap Rhyme..."Bitch, Where's My Money?"

Either way...it's 100.2% clear that Mitt will look as robotic as ever in declaring victory, formally, in a few hours...

97.6% certain that George Will and the entire Bush Family are putting the champagne back on ice...and taking the plastic sheeting down in one of the clan's many locker rooms. They may even be sharing a single bottle of the bubbly for old time's sake. (Except for GWB, of course...we know he doesn't drink, or abuse any substances at all...at least not since God first told him to run for president.)

There's a 71% chance that Ron Paul will win the Maine Caucuses, if for no other reason than to operate as Maine's reminder to the nation that when the Democratic Party tried to (and later did) force-feed Bill Clinton to democrats in 1992...Maine said "NO WAY, Ron Brown!"...and threw its support behind my friend...Gov. Moonbeam....

...A 66.666% chance that Rick Santorum will be instructed by The Almighty...to out himself, and end worldwide speculation....

...A 42.4% probability that Calista Gingrich will confirm that her "other name" is really "Tiffany Washington"...and that those interested in obtaining a video record of her earlier work, can do so by sending small packages of large stones to her Gettysburg Address...

...A 27.7% chance that Jon Huntsman will find two solid gold tablets buried in his own backyard, with divine instructions on how he too, can win the Florida Primary in 2028...

...an 11% bet that Herman Cain smokes one too many of his special 9-9-9 brand of medicinal cigarettes, and confesses to "well...maybe jes' a l'il more than...you know...grocery money, heh, heh, heh"...

And, absolutely ZERO PERCENT...no chance AT ALL...that any republican candidate other than Ron Paul...cares anything about the American People, or The Untied States of America...other than how many books they will sell, lobbying jobs they will get, companies they can raid, banks they can prop up, dying children they can abandon...or how long they can continue to get invited to debates that they knew going in...had absolutely no real impact on the PRE-VERY FIRST DEBATE UNDERSTANDING...that the eventual nominee would be the guy in the nice suit who wanted you to know...

"...Howdy Folks. Mitt Romney here, from Romneyland Chevrolet. We're overstocked on 2012's down here...and TRUST ME...WE'RE MAKIN' DEALS OVER HERE...LIKE, WELL...LIKE NEVER BEFORE. In fact, we're just GIVIN' 'em away. And, ya know...those 2013's are already on the trucks and makin' their way to Romneyland...even as we speak. So...git on down here ta Romneyland Chuvalay...where if our name isn't tattooed on the ass-end of your new Chevy...c'mon...say it with me now...YOU PROBABLY PAID TOO MUCH!"

In all honesty though...despite the fact that the much anticipated republican primary season had oh...say, a couple weeks worth of intrigue which WASN'T provided by a smorgasboard of scandal...in the end, you probably do have to acknowledge that today's winner, Mitt Romney...is actually a VERY PRINCIPLED GUY. He's got all kinds of "Principles". And, the really cool thing about Mitt is...if you don't LIKE or AGREE with his "Principles"...

...He's got a whole lot more in the trunk of every car "over there at Romneyland".

He's got Principles in blue, red, black, green...sedan, soft-top or no,top...gas OR diesel (NONE OF THAT HYBRID CRAP OVER HERE AT ROMNEYLAND...).

AND...the best news is...

"Everything you buy TODAY at Romneyland comes with a TEN MONTH...UNLIMITED PRINCIPLE WARRANTY.

Who cares if that means they all expire 20 minutes before I might become President...heh, heh, heh...

Not even the Su-Preme Court says we got-ta tell the truth...

...or even who's paying for the stinky stuff we's all selling...

...and P.S....

HAVE A NICE DAY, NOW...ya he-yah."

Monday, January 30, 2012

God Hates Rick Santorum

Before the hate mail and death threats...

Don't want to know "How would you feel if YOU lost a child?"

I have.

Don't challenge my faith or love of God. I'll go Chapter & Verse with Santorum or anybody else.

I've already prayed for his little girl, and think that she deserves far more in a "father" than what God ended up giving to her.

Rick Santorum gave television interviews where he acknowledged that his thought process early on was that he should hate his daughter...so that when she passed away, he would be able to deal with it easier...because they wouldn't be so close.

But OF COURSE, he suggested...he was wrong, and realized that...and has loved her with all that he is.

Or...has he?

And, even if he has, loved her...with all that he is...

How much love would a douche bag give, if a douche bag could give love?

My first question for Rick is...

WHO EVEN THINKS THAT?

THAT YOU SHOULD HATE YOUR DYING DAUGHTER?

Next question...

Who thinks they should hater their dying daughter...TO MAKE SOME PART OF YOUR LIFE EASIER? IO

This "man" has now already acknowledged that the "faith" HE has, is the one where YOUR life being made easier...is somehow more significant that giving comfort TO A DYING CHILD.

Selfish?

Nah...

Selfish would be suggesting that you once contemplated hating your dying child, because that would have made your life easier...AND THEN running for President and being away from the child for HALF OF HER LIFE...WHICH YOU KNEW COULD END ANY DAY...

...oh, yeah...and then USING THAT DYING CHILD...like a tactical campaign nuclear weapon.

Santorum said he wanted to keep his daughter out of the campaign.

EXCEPT...that he repeatedly USES HER to justify his campaign and says he is campaigning for ALL families in similar situations.

(Forget that he doesn't pay for her health care...but could if he had to...and doesn't want ANYONE who can't pay...to be able to get care for THEIR terminally ill child. His campaign is still for ALL families in situations...AT LEAST SIMILAR TO HIS.)

Santorum said that to be away from his daughter was gut wrenching...but he wouldn't get her involved.

(Other than using her as the basis for the whole campaign...)

EXCEPT...that she was trotted out to Iowa on the day of the straw poll.

EXCEPT...that she mysteriously appeared in South Carolina...ON PRIMARY DAY.

EXCEPT...that two days before the Florida Primary...Santorum...WHO COULDN'T GET PRESS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GINHRICH-ROMNEY FEUD IF HE BLEW HIMSELF UP...

...steals the entire Sunday Morning Talk Show thunder...because, his daughter is in the hospital with "pneumonia"...and, as you all know "the next cold could kill her".

Santorum himself talks about another "gut wrenching" decision...THIS ONE BEING...

...to have to cancel campaign events.

...which, by the way, he didn't cancel...he just sent out surrogates...WHO NOW HAD A MUCH BETTER STORY TO TALK ABOUT, THAN THE ONE RICK WOULD HAVE TOLD.

SO...let's summarize.

He thought he should hate her to ease HIS PAIN.

He realized that was wrong.

He was then compelled to run for president because 1) God told him to, and 2) He needed to fight for all families of terminally ill children.

(Does that mean he could care less about the rest of the "families"? Or those with no family? Of course not...because he only REALLY cared about families with health insurance as wonderful as his own, anyway.)

Then...he wants to keep her out of the campaign...AND, OH BY THE WAY...STEAL HALF OF HER LIFE OF BEING WITH HER FATHER...BY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

Then...he shields her from the campaign...except on key days associated with ELECTIONS...

...IN THREE OF THE FIRST FOUR STATES INVOLVED IN THE CAMPAIGN.

He did, however...REFUSE TO ATTEND HER OCTOBER 11 SURGERY...

...so he didn't miss a DEBATE.

AND...after saying a cold would kill her, and he had to cease campaigning TIMED WITH THE SUNDAY TALK SHOWS...

...Then proclaimed a MIRACULOUS RECOVERY...

...FROM PNEUMONIA...

...timed perfect for him to get back to Florida...

TO CAMPAIGN ONE MORE DAY IN A STATE WHERE HE IS THIRTY POINTS BEHIND THE LEADER...AT BEST.

God Bless and be with your daughter, Rick.

Her father is one serious, self-centered and FAITH-LESS asshole...

...who doesn't deserve her beauty.

The Truth, The Whole Truth, and Nothing But...LMFAO!

Yes, it's yet another manic Monday. And, what a Monday it is?

John Voight and the Governor of Puerto Rico endorsed Mitt Romney over the weekend. George Will continued to beat the drum for the 19th Century Wing of "The Three Faces of Abe" which we sometimes refer to as "The Republican Party".

Oh, yeah...and the combined Romney & Romney Super PAC effort dropped a whopping $14 MILLION DOLLARS, buying TV time...IN A SINGLE STATE...in a Primary  Contest!

Newt not only mastered the fine art of whining like the sniveling little  bitch that he's probably always been...but, to simultaneously re-write even more of his own history, and drop about another fifteen points behind Herman Cain.

No, wait...Herman Cain endorsed Newt this weekend.

Well, THANK GOD FOR THAT!

The Herman Carton endorsement
sparked a whole host of additional Gingrich endorsements.

Since the Cain endorsement, Newt had also received a thumbs up from Kobe Bryant, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Mary Kay Letourneau, the Estate of Wilt Chamberlain...and Seattle Slew.

More on the two-person Shootout at the Little Havana Corral in a moment.

For now, however, it is important to update the point total in our Who's The Biggest Political Whore Contest.

Romney offering Statehood to Puerto Rico was yet another BOLD INITIATIVE on Mitt's part. Romney, if elected would be only THE 19th PRESIDENT, SINCE WOODROW WILSON...to support Statehood for Puerto Rico.

And, that would be EVERY ELECTED PRESIDENT, SINCE WILSON.

Score about 9,000 points on "The Whoreboard" in the Romney Column.

Now, that kind of an infusion could have clinched the title for Romney...HOWEVER, I think by now we all realize...that Newt simply isn't going to accept anything less than being beheaded by Nancy Reagan, as evidence that the end is here.

So...what do you do on the last weekend of a primary election, to make it to the top of The Whoreboard, when winning the actual popular vote or any delegates is no longer an issue?

You proclaim yourself to be the one  candidate in the race TO THE POLITICAL RIGHT OF RONALD REAGAN AND BASHAR al-ASSAD.

And then...in support of that notion...you adopt and utilize as your new CAMPAIGN THEME SONG...a downright GANGSTA' RAP RHYME...entitled, "Hoot for Newt".

Something tells me that Newt's "right wing base"...in Conservative Gwinnett County, Georgia...You know, the guys in the pick-up trucks with the gun racks and Rebel flags?

Well....I'm guessing them there fellas have finally figured out what "WTF" means.

Damn, "Newt Doggy-Dog"...you keep bustin' rhymes and yo' be bringin' some serious thug love to "C to the A-List-a"...prolly in dat nasty  badonkdonk she be boastin'.

You a badass, My Brotha.

For God's Sake, Newt...SARAH PALIN WOULDN'T EVEN BLAST A RAP TUNE...while pretending to have a CLUE as to how to properly "RAISE THE ROOF"...

...and she's SLEPT WITH BLACK MEN!

On the other hand...it does get you, well...there's really no number that goes that high. So, let's just say that you get...ONE MORE POINT THAN MITT on the Florida Whoreboard...

...no matter WHAT Mitt does, or who he does it to, or for what, how long or how many times between now and Tuesday Night.

I was going to get back to George Will, Bob Dole, my friend Ashley Lewis...and praise, pray for, and then disembowel Rick Santorum...but...

...let's make this a THREE POSTING MONDAY!

Seeya back in a few hours!

PEACE OUT!

Friday, January 27, 2012

Alfred Hitchcock Couldn't Make This Stuff Up...

Wow! Where to even begin?

Mitt slams Newt for going from state to state promising the works to every local interest group...and then promptly becomes appalled at the thought of being labeled "anti-immigration"...IN FLORIDA...when in point of fact a good two-thirds of republicans in virtually every other starte demand a fifty foot fence around the entire country...and a fifty dollar bounty for shooting anybody who happens to make it over, under, or thru said fence.

Newt slams Romney on his investments in Fannie & Freddie...right before Romney announces that Newt is invested in both entities, as well.

Romney defends his Swiss bank accounts, even to Newt's satisfaction...only to find out after the debate that Mitt's own campaign admits Romney had NOT properly registered, disclosed, OR  paid taxes on them.

Even Wolf got into the fray. At the opening of the debate, Wolf said he would be giving equal treatment to everyone. Twenty-three minutes in...Santorum had one minute of time,  Ron Paul was given two minutes, and Newt and Romney each got ten  minutes.

And, during the twenty minute battle royal, Mitt  and Newt  were officially inducted into the Three STOOGES HALL OF FAME...and it was Tricky Ricky Sanitarium who paraded out his 93 year old mother, told all the parts about his wonderful wife that didn't include her spending eight years sleeping with a guy AS OLD AS RICK'S MOTHER...and crying yet again about the dying daughter he loves so much that he stops in to see her once a year...even though any day could be her last.

However, since Ron Paul could never be seen as a guy that would demand that you, "PICK TWO" even if he ever really became angry...you would have to acknowledge that Santorum  took more than enough of the fight to the others to lay claim to the role of Moe Howard for the evening.

While Mitt was explaining, TO A PALESTINIAN QUESTIONER...WHY THE PALESTINIANS REMAINED AT WAR...and Newt was pulling specific completion dates out of both the sky, and his gargantuan buttocks...for each and ever one of the 62,000 new programs he will complete WITHOUT RAISING TAXES...by Thursday, May 19, 2019...MIRRORING EACH AND EVERY HAND GESTURE EVER UTILIZED DURING ANY PERSONAL APPEARANCE MADE BY BILL CLINTON...

...Rick Santorum was showing Mommy why she doesn't need to wheel herself to the playground anymore to help get her little boy out of whatever trash can he'd been stuffed into.

Santorum was a bona fide BEAST FROM THE EAST. It was like he had channeled Joe Paterno...and then, at just three right moment, morphed into Jerry Sandusky. He went hard after Romney on healthcare and other matters, pointed out at least the areas involving flaws in the Speaker's Character which weren't also lacking in his own...and even lofted a few cream pies in "Shemp's" direction, as well.

I don't know if it was because Mom WAS there, or because "the Mrs." wasn't...but if Tricky Ricky had stayed on stage just another five minutes...Wolf might even have broken down and asked him to comment on next Monday's NBC episode of Fear Factor...where to win the money, contestants will have to drink a 16 ounce glass of DONKEY SEMEN!

I can hear THAT ANSWER already!

"Oooooooooh yeah. They OPENLY MOCKED ME when I TOLD YOU that gay marriage would lead to men chugging 16 ounce glasses of donkey semen...ON NATIONAL TELEVISION! Don't even THINK about doing anything except KISSING MY  SWEATER-VEST WEARING  ASS...THE FIRST TIME A GUY PROPOSES TO THE EIFFEL TOWER! (...closed mouth, of course.)

And Ron Paul...

Regular readers know I love the guy, but...who put the timed-release Cialis on HIS Sugar Frosted Flakes? He's threatening Wolf with an age discrimination lawsuit, challenging the Fat Lizard to a TWENTY-FIVE MILE BIKE RACE "IN THE TEXAS HEAT"...and snapping off better punchlines than you would expect to hear at ANY Tuesday night audition st the World Famous Comic Strip.

I mean...talk about FOUR FISH OUT OF WATER AT THE SAME PLACE...AT THE SAME TIME!

NEWT...Mr. Master DeBater...was neutered BY ALL THREE OF HIS OPPONENTS...which, in a sense explains how he managed to get his high school geometry teacher into the sack. I mean...it's not every day when you get to see the Pythagorean Theorem diagramed by a guy with THREE NUTS in the same sack.

Seriously though...Newt was horrible. Every other candidate dissed him with almost no response...AND...when he went LAST, trying to explain why Callista would be the best First Lady...after the other three guys ONE MARRIAGE EACH...totaled well over ONE HUNDRED YEARS OF MARRIAGE...TO ONLY ONE PERSON EACH...and he knew HE was talking about the woman that Dr. James Dobson had only last week referred to as, "NEWT'S EIGHT YEAR WHORE"...

...Well, it's pretty easy to understand why all Newt wanted to talk about was shit that happened, "BACK IN 1961..."

And, he even got off of that game plan when Ron "Bill Cosby" Paul made being drafted in "Nine--,teen...six--tee--two"...sound like the opening of a story about Jello Pudding Pops.

Some commentators thought Mitt won the day...perhaps because HE, TOO...went after the Lizard, head on at times. However, if you can stop looking at the fake hair, $10000 suit  and animation brought to you from the makers of Buzz Lightyear...the truth is that the stuff the comes out of Mitt's Magic Mormon Mouth...is Monotone by design...because that apparently operates to mask at least some of the stank which you would more readily recognize from at least two of the other three podia on every republican debate stage.

"YOU'RE A PANDERER, NEWT...and dammit I'm ALL FOR IMMIGRATION HERE IN FLORIDA!"

"MY ASSETS ARE IN A BLIND TRUST. I DONT KNOW WHERE THEY ARE...BUT I KNOW I PAY ALL MY TAXES. No...apparently what I meant to say is that MY TRUSTEE IS BLIND...and he THOUGHT he had registered all of my numbered Swiss accounts."

"NO, RICK...YOU'RE COMPLETELY WRONG!  I'M NOT FOR A TOP DOWN, SINGLE PAYER HEALTHCARE SYSTEM. I'm for a system where everybody, who doesn't have insurance either buys insurance, or shares the cost of their care".

Santorum: That's a Top Down, Single Payer System, Mitt.

Romney: I didn't call it that.

Santorum: (Thoroughly befuddled) That's what it IS.

Romney: (As though the world gets it, because...everybody knows Santorum is nuts) Well...it works for the people of Massachusettes.

Santorum begins a retort which already has Romney with a bloody chest and lumps on his back...when WOLF SAVES The Romulan by saying,"Let's move on".

Long & short of the ordeal...

No one who saw this debate in full...who would then go out and vote for Newt, or Romney...should ever be allowed to vote, drive a car, operate heavy equipment, marry, procreate, donate sperm, our even appear as a contestant on Fear Factor.

Santorum...had his best night of the entire campaign...RIGHT UP TO THE PART WHERE HE SAID THAT The Obama Administration was supporting Latin American Dictators..."LIKE CHAVEZ, CASTRO...AND NORIEGA".

What is it about homophobes who marry women that sleep with the 70+ year old doctors who delivered them...and who are convinced gay marriage leads to, well...REALLY STRANGE stuff happening on Network Reality Shows...and who refuse to spend time with dying children...WHICH MAKES THEM FORGET...UNDER JUST A LITTLE PRESSURE...

...that Noriega has been in one prison or another....SINCE BARACK OBAMA WAS KNOCKING BACK HEINEKENS AT DER WERSTHAUS ON THE CAMPUS AT HAAAAAVAD.

(Oh...and that he wont get out until at 2031...WHEN HE WOULD THEN BE 97!)

Aside from that one little slip...Santorum had a great night.

Ron Paul also had clearly his best night...however, even though he stuck it in Wolf's ear on the question of Ron's age...it's great to know that just in case I couldn't count high enough to know that Ron Paul is JUST ABOUT the age of both John McCain, the former nominee...AND Ronald Reagan...the former President...that they would always be there to attempt to divert all attention away from common sense...and of course, make great television.

Don't miss the next republican CNN debate where Callista & Karen will be locked in the Green Room with Ron Paul, and in order to get out, one out them has to...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

"I'm The Man In The Moon, Dammit!"

With all due respect and honor to both the inimitable Eddie Murphy and the immortal Gumby...I humbly and respectfully declare Newt Gingrich to be, "The Man In The Moon, Dammit!"

Every morning at 2 A.M. when I sit down to collect my thoughts, I SWEAR...I won't write about The Fat Lizard, I won't write about The Fat Lizard...I WON'T WRITE ABOUT THE FAT LIZARD!

But...then I see, hear, hear about, recall, or am otherwise reminded of some absolutely absurd, outrageous, or flat out INSANE statement, event, claim/lie, or other bombast involving the republican campaign's resident Douche. And, yet again, am I almost forced to continue to assist everyone from Nancy Pelosi to George Will, in their quest to inform the populous that while Michele Bachmann was thoroughly Batshit Crazy, and Tricky Rick Sanitarium couldn't be more oblivious...when it comes to Newt Gingrich...

...this sick bastard could actually get you killed.

Other commentators have noted that Gingrich, who now claims that he was instrumental in Ronald Reagan's dismantling of the Soviet Union...actually called Reagan inept, and routinely declared the Reagan Administration to be a failed entity, with a weak leader and no policies which had any possibility of success in any form.

So...No need to ask why the guy who served as Nelson Rockefeller's Southern Campaign Chairman worked AGAINST RONALD REAGAN IN 1968...and was only mentioned ONCE in eight years worth of Reagan Diaries...isn't slammed on any of these bullshit claims on an hourly basis.

We'll just let other folks handle those issues...

...ESPECIALLY, when Newtie Snootie GIFT WRAPS an entire Blog Posting and gives an educated humorist a ten pound bag of his own words AND the silver spoon with which to feed them back to him.

Yesterday, at a Space Industry Roundtable at a Community College in Florida...Newt compared himself to Abraham Lincoln, the Wright Brothers, John F. Kennedy, acknowledged that he was "grandiose"...and then promised 700 attendees that he would build an American Colony ON THE MOON...and complete the Colony...BY THE YEAR 2020!

Now...Newt didn't exactly say what this Colony  would be FOR.

BUT...OUR "Sources" have scooped everybody from Harvey Levin to Karl Rove on this one.

Deny it, if you will, Mr. Lizard, but...you know that WE know...you want this Colony to serve as a Slave Labor MINING COLONY.

You...gave yourself away when you were overheard telling a Little Green Man that you would "be DAMNED if you would let Callista run out of CHEESE...EVER AGAIN!"

OH SUUUUURE, it all SOUNDED legit...even up to the point where you said that once the Colony got up to 13,000 residents...your CHEESE BITCHES could make application for STATEHOOD!

THIRTEEN THOUSAND CRACKER BARRELL HEADS?

LIVING IN A KRAFT COMPANY TOWN?

ON...THE...MOON?

BY 2020??????

Before we get back to our regularly scheduled drive-by mocking of Mr. Lizard...

Would the Court take Judicial Notice of the fact that today is January 26, 2012?

Would the Court further Notice that this would leave LESS than eight years to design, construct, staff up, ramp up, gear up and build the 16 foot high Immigration Fence around "Really Really North Newtieville".

And finally...since it takes the government contracting process SEVEN YEARS, to pay $3000, to a Chinese company...FOR TWO HAMMERS AND A TOILET SEAT...

...if it Pleases the Court, the prosecution moves for a Declaratory Judgement in support of the proposition that the Disgraced Former Speaker...

...IS FUCKED IN THE HEAD.

For the uninformed, who might feel as though I'm being intentionally disrespectful...or potentially guilty of Cruelty to Fat Reptiles..."Fucked in the Head" IS a medico-legal term of art, accepted by both the American Psychiatric Association and The American Bar Association.

If you don't believe me...make appointments with your own lawyer and shrink...and then tell both, that you're going to relocate the State of Wisconsin...TO THE MOON, bring all of Occupy Wall Street with you, and petition all four major professional sports leagues for their first inter-galactic franchises...AND...

...OH YEAH...you'll be completing the endeavor in less than eight years.

Now...since by this time, your doctor AND lawyer will likely be in need of emergency medical attention...while simultaneously being in fear for their lives...

This will leave it up to you, to be the one to call 911...to both help them...and report yourself. Not to worry though, when you go to trial, I personally guarantee that the psychiatrist AND the lawyer will testify under oath, that you are...

"FUCKED IN THE HEAD!"

But back to Mr. Lizard.

Lincoln?

The Lizard served the 6th District of Georgia. And, I'm guessing that like any even shitty congressman...he probably had a pretty good idea of what goes on in his neighborhood.

In Newt's neighborhood, or rather 5 minutes from the western border of his district...regular Klan meetings are held TODAY. (I lived within walking distance of the "location".)

And, I'm not guessin' Newtie ever told the fellas to cut that kinda stuff out.

The Wright Brothers?

Well...maybe. The Wright Brothers were credited with numerous inventions.

Newt Gingrich has re-invented his past life history...several times.

Wilbur Wright was unintentionally struck in the head with a hockey stick as a teenager.

Newt Gingrich...well...he's just fucked in the head.

Okay...close enough.

JFK?

John F. Kennedy allegedly slept with Marilyn Monroe and had a Take-a-Number Machine at every White House Entrance.

Newt Gingrich slept with his high school Geometry teacher...and has worn out seven layers of skin on both palms.

Not...even...close.

I guess what is most completely distressing about the Newt Gingrich phenomenon is that even AFTER lying about Reagan, cheating on wives, resigning in disgrace, paying fines to buy his way out of indictments, taking money from Fannie & Freddie, reinventing himself, raising the needle on the hypocrisy meter to heights previously unknown, out-sleezing Bill Clinton, and being referred to by most of the country's more respected conservative thinkers, as a huckster, buffoon, and things EVEN I WOULDN'T SAY...

...there are still enough members of the "Fucked in the Head" Fraternity...to actually give Mr. Lizard the ability to divert funds from, oh, I don't  know...EVERYTHING...in support of an insane plan to mine "something"...on the Moon.

And, forget the eight years. Forget that it would take the space travel equivalent of FORTY of the largest passenger jets, FULL...just to fill the Slave labor camp with bodies.

How do the earth movers, and the cranes, and the drills, and the endless supply of oxygen tanks, and the food, fuel and everything else that it would take to sustain life for A COLONY get there?

And, to make these claims, at a community college...where AT BEST, your bullshit brings you 700 VOTES?

That's not grandiose Newt.

That's just fucked in the head.

It's why I personally promise to join you in your psychotic quest, IF AND ONLY IF...AT EVERY DEBATER FROM NOW UNTIL THE GENERAL ELECTION...YOU OPEN AND CLOSE YOUR PERFORMANCE WITH THE MAGIC WORDS...

"...I'M THE MAN IN THE MOON, DAMMIT!"

Oh...and it's also why I'll never be able to even look at the moon again, without seeing that Fat Lizard of a pie face, staring back at me...and hearing  that haunting psychotic laughter...followed by your voice reminding us all...

That you're The Man In The Moon, Dammit!  (and seriously fucked in the head.)

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...How About Less Pomp & More Circumstance?

Oh yeah. Nothing reminds us how much we love our God Save The Queen, Rule Britannia, Mom, Apple Pie & Charge Up San Juan Hill bullshit heritage...than the Congressional Sargeant-at-Arms announcing to half a room that wishes he was dead, that The President of the United States is about to bore the living shit out of them for ninety minutes...before some other asshole takes a good thirty minutes to repeatedly utter no more than the phrase, "BE AFRAID, PEOPLE...BE VERY AFRAID!"

An excellent friend of mine called me two minutes into the republican response to the mythical State of the Union Address. He was out of his mind happy because, "THE OLD OBAMA IS BACK".

He was, of course, also prepared to rip the arms off of Mitch Daniels and beat him to death with them because, "THOSE DAMN REPUBLICANS...ALL THEY WANT TO DO IS STAND IN THE WAY AND SCARE PEOPLE".

Let's be honest with each other FOR ONCE!

BREAK THE RULE...

PUT THE PARTISANSHIP ASIDE, TAKE OFF THE DONKEY T-SHIRT AND THAT STUPID FUCKING BASEBALL CAP WITH THE ELEPHANT TRUNK ON IT...AND PAY ATTENTION FOR FIVE MINUTES.

1. The Old Obama isn't back.

He never left. Yes, they gave him a new set of batteries, put a nice new rolled up sock in his new Italian suit pants, spun him around three times and made him watch a four hour compilation of Rob Schneider scenes which remind the president, "You can DOOOO IT!"

2. Mitch Daniels barking about  pipeline jobs which range from 10,000 to 240,000...and which would make us energy self sufficient, cure cancer and reduce gas prices by $3.00 per gallon yesterday...EVEN THOUGH IT WILL TAKE 12 FUCKING YEARS TO BUILD...is no different than any Democratic response to every republican State of the Union Fantasy, where democrats suggested that Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Bush, Bush, and the Next Bush, will gut Social Security, re-institute slavery...eat your baby and impregnate your dog.

The State of the Union Address made all the sense in the world...IN 1804...WHEN RIDERS ON HORSEBACK TOOK COPIES OF THE DAMN SPEECH AND DELIVERED THEM TO "PARTS UNKNOWN" SO PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T KNOW THAT WASHINGTON EXISTED...COULD HEAR TELL ABOUT THE FUCKING THEY WERE GOING TO GET BEFORE THE NEXT WINTER WAS OVER.

However...in 2012...when 356 twenty-four hour news stations, in languages from English to Pig Latin...have hidden cameras in every government office, library, and restroom...when 8,000 paparazzi have 22,000 sources, EACH...and when Chinese, North Korean, Pakistani, Iranian, Venezuelan, and Rupert Murdoch Agents can smell a new waft of governmental bullshit while it's still a plate of Yankee Pot Roast at the Dubliner Restaurant on Capitol Hill...

...the State of the Union Address in it's current form only makes sense if you staple a unicorn on the president's forehead, give him back legs and require him to sing The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow...while introducing people you don't know, don't care to know, and who three years later will lose their presidential photo when their double-wide gets swept away by a fire, flood, Tar-Nayda, or other fucking natural disaster in some area no rational bastard would ever want to live in, anyway.

Six pieces of legislation pass last session...five of which either re-named Post Offices or created National Projectile Diarrhea Day...and ANY AMERICAN should give a shit about THREE HOURS of BOTH SIDES giving a preview of how each is going to tell you, IN NOVEMBER 2012...how the other side has been fucking you SINCE GEORGE WASHINGTON SPORTED HIS FIRST SET OF WOODEN TEETH?

GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!

Look...it's really, HONESTLY...very simple.

To my republican friends...

NO ONE IS ON YOUR SIDE.

To my democratic friends...

NO ONE IS ON YOUR SIDE.

To my friends who have prayed openly for 3rd, 4th & 5th Parties.

NO ONE WILL EVER BE ON YOUR SIDE.

I'm not saying the system is broken, but...

THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN!

I'm certainly not saying it can't be repaired, but...

IT CAN'T BE REPAIRED!

What I am saying is...

If you continue to buy into their bullshit. If you continue to put any faith at all, in anything you hear at a public address which lost every ounce of its purpose and meaning, once Mr. Magnavox invented the fucking television set and Al Gore perfected the internet...

...you will end up with a  choice between a progressive democrat who is losing his far-left base TO RON PAUL...and a Fat Lizard who not only somehow manages to con girls out of their skirts, casino magnates out of their millions and trailer park toe-heads out of their votes...but, who also has the Pope thinking that he gives a rat's ass about ANYBODY...and, of course...never misses a Klan Meeting  in Cumming, Ga...on Georgia Highway #9, at the Old Mr. Swiss Ice Cream Store...just outside the district he represented...until he was forced to resign in lieu of getting fucking indicted by a federal grand jury.

Holy Shit...pass the fucking Tylenol!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Trending Now: Barry Goldwater?

Now that even the immortal Chuck Todd is talking about the relative similarities between significant elements of the political climate existing in both 1980 and 2012...as a means to both explain the re-emergence of The Fat Lizard, and as a governmentally mandated warning that statements made by the Disgraced Former Speaker contain absolutely nothing remotely resembling "truth"...all of which I wrote on extensively when Newtie was polling below Michele Bachmann, I would like to extend without revising my remarks.

It doesn't take Norv Turner to recognize a great team that just doesn't know how to win. And, this crop of candidates will never be confused with a great team. That being aside...someone does have to win this games of Musical Frontrunners...whether they really want to, or not.

Monday Night's debate, and more importantly, the post-event recap, made it abundantly clear to me that the media...which should want the race to go on as long as possible...are at a point where they haven't met a one-state primary winner they didn't want to hand the nomination over to.

"Newt didn't let Romney get under his skin". "Newt appeared very Presidential". "Newt didn't take the bait when Romney came after him". "He was certainly thinking General, as opposed to Primary...working his was to the Middle like that".

And, none of the expert commentators offering these summaries were bothered by the fact that IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING the suggestion that Newt was "playing to the Middle"...the very same person pointed out Newt had been in something of a "love fest with Ron Paul, all evening".

Last time I checked...Ron Paul was still the only real voice of reason the 2012 campaign has ever known...but, is far, far, FAR from "the Middle" of anything.

In the end however, it wasn't what the experts said that bothered me. It was what they didn't say.

In the same way in which more Iowans voted for Gary Johnson than have any idea who Saul Alinsky was...I'm fairly confident that the turnover in LIVE BODIES has been sufficient in the preceding five decades, that better than fifty percent of those voting in 48 OF THE 50 STATES will be Wiki-ing the beJesus out of Barry Goldwater after Newt's closing remarks...which began with his insistence that he was the true conservative in the race because he had a meeting with Barry Goldwater in 1964. And then, of course he claimed responsibility for single-handedly electing Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan...using the former president's name, the obligatory THREE TIMES IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

More on Newt's closing remarks in a moment. For now, however...and because most Americans, even if they have heard of Barry Goldwater before...have NO IDEA of the type and kind of things that came out of his mouth...or that the word "LANDSLIDE"...wasn't even recognized by Funk OR Wagnalls, until "BARRY GOLDWATER" lost  to Lyndon Johnson...BY TWENTY-FIVE PERCENTAGE POINTS...FIFTY YEARS AGO.

Personally...my favorite Barry Goldwater quote is the one where Goldwater said, "I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass." I can't say I disagree with the sentiment. Though I'm somewhat opposed to kicking a man WHEN HE'S DEAD. And, to be completely transparent, Goldwater said this in 1991, when both he and Falwell were both very much alive. But, I choose this as my favorite...and ignore Goldwater quotes suggesting that RIGHT-WING EXTREMISM IS JUSTIFIABLE...OR SUGGESTINGTHAT THE UNITED STATES SHOULD HAVE NUKED VIET NAM...because even a completely, certifiable, psycho-sociopath like Barry Goldwater...knew that even right-wing extremism WAS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT THE FUNDAMENTALIST WING OF THE PARTY HAD IN MIND.

What Barry Goldwater ALSO said...and which Newt would never want you to know, is this...

"Mark my word. If and when these preachers get control of the Republican party, and they're sure trying to do so, it's going to be a terrible damn problem. Frankly, these people frighten, me. Politics and government demand compromise. But these Christians believe they are acting in the name of God, so they can't and won't compromise. I know...I've tried to deal with them".

M' kay the latter quote came after at least some thought the man's remaining live brain cells had "self-deported" themselves to The Great Beyond" And...neither quote accurately reflected the lunacy for which the substantial balance of his public life was noted, and known.

But, if you're  going to use 50 year old references, to illustrate why you are THE "Conservative" in the race today...and you tie your claim to something a guy said about nuking commies in 1964...you SHOULD be required to also indicate...that THE SAME GUY, essentially disavowed virtually all of those psychotic statements...AS HE GOT CLOSER TO THE TIME OF MEETING HIS MAKER!

You might also be REQUIRED TO NOTE that the Falwell comment came because Falwell was opposing the nomination, of Sandra Day O'Connor to the Supreme Court...and that at the time of his death, Barry Goldwater was a self-proclaimed LIBERAL.

NOW...back to Newt's closing remarks. The first rule of being a successful Con Man is...

Never give out any information, which can be verified, and fold your con for you.

Forget that Newt was 21 at the time of this alleged meeting with Goldwater that framed him as a true conservative. The only important thing today is that anybody OTHER THAN NEWT who might remember the meeting...IS DEAD.

Forget that Newt single-handedly elected Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan.

He didn't.

In fact...in 1968...while Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan was running for president for the first time...

Newt Gingrich served as THE SOUTHERN REGIONAL COORDINATOR...FOR THE VERY LIBERAL, NELSON ROCKEFELLER...

CAMPAIGNING AGAINST RONALD REAGAN.

So, why would the man who "helped Ronald Reagan become governor of California...and was solely responsible for electing Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan president...and who traces his conservative roots back to Barry Goldwater"...serve as Southern Regional Director FOR THE LIBERAL...NELSON ROCKEFELLER...in 1968...WORKING AGAINST RONALD REAGAN?

Ah...we don't know. And...nobody asked Newt to explain himself.
And...even if someone did...EVERYONE WHO COULD OFFER. A TRUTHFUL RESPONSE...OTHER THAN NEWT...

...IS DEAD, OR EATING STAINED PEAS AND  ON VISITING DAY, REFERRING TO KARL ROVE AS "WARREN G. HARDING".

Alright...I reaffirm my belief that Newt is PURE EVIL. I further acknowledge that Newt is an accomplished Con Man of the highest order. I accept that the remaining candidates in the first wave (Ron Paul, excepted) have thrown up on their shoes, stepped on their penis, if they had one, paid too much or not enough attention to Newt, not checked his facts...or otherwise given the media reason to elevate him...and not given voters enough information to bury him.

They have also given Newt the unchecked ability to make use of the second rule of being a great Con Man, in each, of the last two debates.

When your Mark is onto  you...ot thinks they are...spit in your hand, rub it in their face, and then say anything, preferably something that will put them on the defensive. Newt has played this card three times in two debates...and effectively, I might add.

With 77 Twitter Followers, and about 150 Facebook Friends...someone else is going to have to force Newt into a position for which he has no defense.

However...if anyone with a bigger fan base, would like a little help in blasting The Fat lizard a new strategic exit...I'm happy to assist, very coachable...and I'm not cost  prohibitive.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

After Further Review...

Billy Cundiff and Kyle Williams have entered Witness Protection, the Giants & Patriots are on their way to the Super Bowl, Joe Paterno is about to find out how forgiving God really is...and PLEASE...STOP SUGGESTING THAT MITT ROMNEY NOT WINNING THE SOUTH CAROLINA PRIMARY MEANS ANYTHING AT ALL.

Newt says his win is proof that he is both, the only conservative in the race...and the only republican who can beat Barack Obama.

NEWS FLASH!

1. In 2008, almost the same number of Palmettos determined that John McCain was more conservative than everyone from Duncan Hunter and Tom Tancredo, to Mike Huckabee, Fred Thomson, and Mitt Romney.

And, apparently...that only John McCain could beat Barack Obama.

THAT...as we know didn't happen.

Oh, and PS...in 2000 South Carolina  declared George W. Bush to be the conservative 2nd coming of Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan. You remember George W. Bush, who nationalized banks, car companies, and everything he could get his socialist little hands on before slipping off to an undisclosed location.

2. In 2012...Mitt Romney received TWICE AS MANY percentage points, in South Carolina, as he did in 2008.

3. Barney Frank could come out of retirement, become a republican, and answer his debate questions from under Barack Obama's lectern...AND STILL GET 45% OF THE VOTE NATIONALLY.

Ergo, henceforth, and WTF? I'm sorry, Newt...but, for one of the few times in your life...the truth has to account for something.

Over EIGHTY PERCENT of South Carolina republicans voting this weekend identified themselves as either Evangelicals...or Born Again Christians.

Last time I checked...Willard Romney identified himself, his wife, their 29 children, his Mexican father...and grandfather who fled the US to avoid being indicted for POLYGAMY...as MORMONS.

IN FACT...if any candidate has the right to be pissed over the fact that good church folk decided to pull a lever, mark an "X" or even sit on the lap of a serial adulteter...it would be Rick Santorum. Those lying Christians promised to support him, and he didn't even get one out out five.

If there is absolutely anything to take away from this one primary...maybe some would fall into these categories.

A. Mitt was NEVER THE GUY ANYBODY NOT NAMED ROMNEY...WANTED TO GO TO BAT FOR THEM.

B. After everything from Enron, to Health South, to Global Crossings, Tyco, twenty Banks, three car makers. AIG and a multitude of foreign governments...the little guy isn't taking any shit...from the nearest almost billionaire.

Mitt Romney has, more strikes against him now than he did during any previous attempt at becoming president. In fact THE ONLY THING that kept the old line establishment republicans on his team, was that WITHIN THIS GROUP OF CANDIDATES...he was coachable and could be kept under control.

No one in the establishment wanted someone OF EITHER PARTY TO BECOME PRESIDENT...WHO IS NEITHER COACHABLE...OR CONTROLLABLE.

Establishment Democrats didn't WANT Barack Obama. They were 1) stuck with him, and 2) scared shitless that he actually meant some of that "I'm my own man" and "Change is coming  to Washington" stuff. Once he got there and "Establishment Joe Biden" made the proper introductions and they founded out Barack was just fine the way things were...everything was cool.

Fast forward to 2012 when the establishment republicans had a gander at the roster. Mitt wasnt the preferred choice. He may not be "Washington"...but he sure as hell IS Wall Street. And short of being told your diagnosis of genital warts was confirmed...I'm not sure an establishment republican could have heard worse news.

However, within that list of republican presidential candidates there was that one guy...yeah, he's Wall Street, pompous, big money, shit don't stink, homes on every coast and in 14 countries, owns his own plane...BUT..when we put our establishment hand up his back to make his lips move...it will be his voice mouthing our words.

...coachable AND controllable.

Mitt, however...went off the reservation EARLY IN THE GAME.

TAX RETURNS?

WE DONT NEED NO STINKIN' TAX RETURNS ¡

(Maybe not when your father ran, Willard. But, in 2012..yes you do.) 
And, before you put them out there, you ACCEPT that youre gonna get hammered for two news cycles, while your establishment handlers construct a more interesting story to grab the presses attention, and you don't hear about it again until the general election.

What you DON'T DO...IS MAKE OUT A BIGGER STORY, SO MUCH SO THAT YOUR BUDDY, CHRIS CHUNKY MONKEY FROM NEW JERSEY, HAD TO PUBLICLY LET YOU HAVE IT, AS ONLY HE CAN.

"YO! IVY LEAGUE! WHAT ARE YIU, FUCKED IN THE HEAD? PUT OUT THE TAX RETURNS AND STOP BEING. A DOUCHE BAG!"  ("PS...DONT MAKE ME COME DOWN DHERE!")

I'm feeling the need to make this a two part piece...or maybe three. For now, I'll simply say, the old liners are already re-evaluating Mitt. He's not in a battle with Newt...and sorry, Newt...you can't be president. You can't even be a nominee. And, while I didn't want to go over it in detail...I will in another part of this piece.

However...I do feel the need to talk much more about what will save or end the Romney campaign...and what the old liners are already doing as part of their playing, of the "What If" game.

Enjoy the debate tonight...recognizing, of course, that voters...and the real people who matter, are two different groups, who will be watching for 2 different reasons.

More on that later...and more on the republican schism...which is truly all that matters in this election cycle.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Newt Gingrich Is Completely Insane!

I need, to preface this Post with two statements.

1. I have an ex-wife who would, and may actually have had, Marianne Gingrich for breakfast...when she wasn't even hungry...either on a dare, or...because maybe Mrs. Gingrich inadvertently parked her car in a space which my ex-wife was convinced God had put on the earth exclusively for her.

Either way, Newt, you classless, clueless, arrogant, fat, bastard, piece of shit who doesn't deserve to breath the air of the world's decent beings...you DO NOT have the market cornered, on spouses that walk around with a bad attitude or shitty outlook on the, universe.

2. In the context of your marriages...EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM...you were the running dog jackal who dropped your slop in the shark tank of not just anything that stood still long enough for you to find your love muscle using an electron microscope...but also...any woman you thought was imprrssive enough in some form or fashion to allow you to rip and run in the only devious, deceitful, and still ego-maniacal way in which you knew how...while her class, elegance, and presentation operated as a cover for your never-ending bevy of bullshit.

Honest to the God you pretend to know at least once every for years, you steaming pile of monkey shit...how ANYONE IN THE BIBLE BELT COULD APPLAUD YOUR UNBELIEVABLY GROTESQUE DISPLAY LAST EVENING...is as much a testament to the validity of EVERY IN-BRED BUBBA BANGING HIS MOM & SISTER STORY ever told...as it is to the fact that you can ONLY be the Ghost of P.T. Fucking Barnum, Past, Present, Future...and Fucking INFINITY!

In one sense, even an intellectual person who keeps Humble Pie in the warming drawer daily...has to admire your ability to hypnotize people who can't even keep the sound on their television sets while you ramble on incessantly, and aren't even in the same state. I mean...how the Hell do you pull that off? And, are you so incredibly bent on NOT using even so much as a single talent FOR GOOD...that you will lie, cheat or steal...even in connection with the most meaningless of matters?

Let's re-trace some steps here, you INSIGNIFICANT, MEANINGLESS, WORTHLESS HOUSE OF CARDS.

YOU, YOURSELF...are a bastard child. Your teenage whore of a mother committed, if you believe the Catholic claptrap which you say you do...sins which you are still paying for.

Your 1st wife...was your high school math teacher. My guess is, that since you're "an historian"...that perhaps what you got from her...was an "A" in geometry that wasn't happening any other way. Let's not even address the whole "banging the teacher" issue now...other to say that your mother clearly was a true influence on you.

But, what happened when you didn't need a good grade in a math class to stay eligible for the Varsity Jerkoff Team...

Exit, Mrs. Gingrich, the First. Oh...and, to exit the woman who you professed eternal love for...you sent her packing immediately after cancer surgery...AND OF COURSE...while you were taking multiple sets of flapping labia on daily test drives...while yet married.

Correct me, if I'm wrong, Shitbox...but...this wife #1, would also be the wife that one of your many EX, BEST FRIENDS (and assholes always have a shitload of them, too)...told people that YOU SAID...you were getting rid of, "BECAUSE SHE WASN'T PRETTY ENOUGH TO BE A FIRST LAST.

NOTE TO ASSHOLE:

You're not pretty enough to be THE FIRST FAT FUCK THROWN INTO THE WOOD CHIPPER.

So, what do we know?

Your mom is a whore. You screwed your math teacher. You married your math teacher. You cheated on your math teacher-wife. And, when you realized your math teacher-wife wasn't pretty, enough to ber a First Lady...you, as the remarkable Southern Baptist that you claimed to be then...summarily dispatched Mrs. Gingrich the First...and made sure that court records associated with the repeated proceedings where you were identified as a deadbeat dad...LEFT THE COURTHOUSE...AND ENDED UP IN THE HOME OF A RETIRED CLERK...WHERE, IT TOOK BOTH MEDIAS AND LAWYERS, DECADES TO GAIN ACCESS TO.

On to Marianne.

Given what we know about your obvious genetic proclivities toward having the goal of banging ALL EIGHT BILLION RESIDENTS OF PLANET EARTH before you die...AND, that we' ve established that Marianne herself, aided you in your quest...WHILE YOU WERE STILL MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE...

...AND...THAT WE KNOW CALISTA IS ALSO A HOME-WRECKING WHORE WHO WAS RIDING THE BALONEY PONY LONG BEFORE YOU CASHIERED WIFE #2...

...is it outrageous to conclude that a complete  whore, such as yourself...would invite a woman you boned, while married to someone else...and who knew you were already spreading youre seed around faster that you could with crop-dusting aircraft...to join her in the conduct of an OPEN MARRIAGE?

FOR GOD's SAKE, YOU MARK OF THE BEAST SCUMBAG...EVERY MARRIAGE YOU HAVE HAD HAS BEEN OPEN.

AND, IF LARRY FLYNT WILL FOOT THE BILL, I WILL PERSONALLY DEDICATE AS MUCH TIME AS IT TAKES TO LOCATE THE MEN, WOMEN, OR CLOVEN-HOOVED BEASTS YOU'RE ROUTINELY HAVING YOUR WAY WITH WHILE CALISTA IS ORALLY SERVICING THE CREDIT  MANAGER AT TIFFANY'S FOR A NEW CHARM BRACELET.

HOW
DARE
YOU...

...chastize  John King, CNN, ABC,...

OR ANYONE...for YOUR FAILINGS...AND THEN RATTLE ON AND ON ABOUT PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY!

Like I said before...I don't know if the worst part is that you spout this shit...you believe this shit..you've totally gotten over on the Bible Belt...that they are too ignorant too realize what you are...that they actually get to vote...or...

ALL OF IT!

I'd wonder how you sleep at night. But, I already know the answer.

You sleep like the whore you came from, the whore you are, and the whore you will forever be...

...and whores, sleep just fine...

...anywhere at all.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

P.T. Barnum's Political Circus...Thursday Edition.

Can we just have every primary take place in South Carolina this year?

This stuff just gets crazier and, if it's possible...crazier. And, much of the hottest news of the moment had nothing at all to do with South Carolina.

Where to begin? I wrote about Rick Dubyah pulling his own pud...I mean plug. Can ya BELIEVE he threw his three votes behind Newtie? I do think that the  SC race is alot tighter than the pollsters are suggesting. So...maybe in the Psycho South...Newt could pull this one out.

What would REALLY help Newt, would be to lay hands on some of Rick Dubyah's financial backers. However...Tricky Ricky Sanatarium had already put out word that Perry's big money people are climbing onboard...NO...not Mrs. Sanatarium. They're climbing  onboard The Sanatarium Steamroller!

It won't be too difficult to figure out REALLY where the Perry money has gone...Just keep an eye out for the next series of huge ad buys.

Oh...and in the meantime:

The Uncertified Iowa Recount won't "OFFICIALLY" certify Sen. Sanatarium as the winner of the Iowa Caucuses. However,the State of Iowa DID say that UNOFFICIALLY...Santorum is now ahead by 34 votes...and that they aren't going to count anything else, at least for the next four years.

So...Santorum wins Iowa. Romney wins New Hampshire. The Fat Lizard will likely pull it out in SC. And, my original projection of four different winners in the first four contests...IS ALIVE AND WELL!

Speaking of "pulling it out"...

ABC will be airing an interview tonight, with the SECOND Mrs. Fat Lizard...who openly acknowledges that shortly after her marriage to Newt, he asked if she would cotton to the idea of "an Open Marriage".

Now...I wrote extensively concerning Newt's shortcomings, about six weeks ago. And, I said at that time, that I didn't think there would be need to delve deeper into his cracks, crevices and other flaws.

However, that was pre-Mrs. "G," bussin' a primetime cap in all up in his asses and stuff. I'll do another Newt Posting after Saturday. For now, however...it IS appropriate to remind the world, that the Mrs. G being interviewed tonight on ABC, is ALSO the Mrs. G...WHO WAS IN AN AFFAIR WITH NEWT THAT ENDED HIS MARRIAGE...TO THE FIRST MRS. G...who was, by the way...Newt's High School Math teacher.

So..truth be told...Newt being a serial cheater should have been no shock to her.

Last point on Newt, today anyway...I see many people writing today and suggesting that Newt was "just trying to pick up the Swing voters".

The BLIND SWING VOTERS...MAYBE?

Have you seen the "man"?  I know people who happen to be members of that particular community...and after calling two of them on the phone and inquiring about how successful Newt might be in their "circle"...the laughter followed by phones dropping, confirmed my suspicion today Newt would be as popular at the Swing Club...as John Huntsman was in South Carolina.

In other news...

Dick Morris opens his toe-sucking mouth yet again...this time in order to comment on "the Santorum Surge". Boy, I don't know what we'd do without one more Dick who's about three weeks behind the times. Why not write about the Santorum Surge TWO DAYS BEFORE HE  FINISHES 3RD OR 4TH IN A PRIMARY, IN THE BIBLE BELT...WHERE HE HAS  THE ENDORSEMENT OF KING JAMES, HIMSELF?

But...I guess if people keep paying Dick...he'll keeping popping up somewhere.

And Then There Were 4

Rick Perry will make it official in a few minutes. The campaign I told you was on life support and that would have its plug pulled Saturday evening, decided to save the world the additional three days of drooling all over itself and repeatedly soiling the linens.

Yes, Virginia...Texas Governor, Rick.Dubyah Perry, is officially out of the race he was never in. And, for a.candidate and campaign who were never worthy of the three votes likely to be received in South Carolina...Flopsy, Mopsy & Cottontail are surely on tap to be the topic of conversation for the next 48 hours.

A quick recap of a few of the morning's event will illustrate how wacky the race has become  on a very short period of time.

The Iowa Recount is complete. Originally, final counting gave Romney what he referred to as "a great victory"...where he carried an 8 vote margin over Tricky Ricky Sanatarium.

Now, after the Recount...and admittedly numbers from 8 precincts were "unofficial" since those hard ballots couldn't be located...Santorum had essentially won Iowa...by a margin of 34 votes.

Romney's reaction to the Recount...is to announce that, in Iowa, he and Santorum have finished in "a virtual tie".

So...you win by 8 votes = great victory. You lose by 34 votes = a virtual tie.

Kinda like the way in which numbers crunching at Bain Capital showed a profit to investors...but huge losses when it got to tax time.

On a lighter note...almost two months ago, I wrote that the first four republican primaries/caucae, would be won by four different candidates.

There was mocking...some of a very intense variety.

Where are these cackling hens  NOW, Ann Coulter et al.?

Iowa - Santorum
New Hampshire - Romney
South Carolina - The Fat Lizard
Florida - ?

I can't believe, in one sense, that Rick Dubyah would go home after Iowa...quit...unquit...tell his fan that he was going balls out to win South Carolina...and then duct tape a hefty bag over his own head before the opening gun had a chance to put two in the back of of most immense denseness.

But then...I guess...what else might you expect from the man who has single-handedly shown Texas to be the backwoods, jerkwater, single strand of DNA, brother & sister marryin' cluster fart that would elect, re-elect, and re-re-elect a single digit IQ douche...such as hisseff?

In fact...in light of Rick Dubyah's public performance in the presidential primary race...I'm guessing Mexico is about one Cabinet meeting away from reclaiming Texas and moving forward with formal annexation.

And, franky...I'm not sure we should stand in their way. Something tells me watching Rick Dubyah fightin' off bein' annexed...just so's he can attempt to secede from General Santa Ana's great, great, great grandson...would be exceptional halftime entertainment at next year's Super Bowl...AND, make a killer video game.

Back to politics,2012-style.

New poll out Thursday morning puts The Fat Lizard in tongue-lashing distance of Pretty Boy Mitt, in South Carolina.

Big CNN Debate tonight.

Newt expects to shine.

Perry's 6% could split down three middle between Gingrich & Santorum...or, go all one way or the other.

Either way...with the perpetual 8% undecided, plus the 6% that frees up from Perry...all bets are really off in South Carolina.

And...should The Fat Lizard end up with a mouthful of fresh meat, not attached to yet another new mistress on Saturday night...all bets might be off in Florida and the rest of the way, as well.

More on this and MUCH, MUCH MORE...right after the Perry News Conference.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Quickies For a Wednesday Morning

You have GOT to love it when "old" people, who are trying not to appear "old"...offer up an analogy which they think makes them sound "not old"...but ends up revealing just hour "OLD" they really are.

Sarah Palin...in characterizing the 2012 performance of Newt Gingrich in the most recent republican debate...suggested that Newt, "came out like Smokin' Joe Frazier".

Earth to Sarah Palin...

Joe Frazier is A) DECEASED, and B) not someone who has "Smoked" ANYBODY...in 36 YEARS!

PS...The last time Joe Frazier DID smoke anybody...YOU were 11 years old. And, unless you were already in your "Dark Fantasy Phase"...probably had no idea who Joe Frazier was...or, why he was smokin' anything.

PPS...MOST OF THE PEOPLE YOU'RE TRYING TO IMPRESS WITH YOUR YOUTH...COULDN'T PICK JOE FRAZIER OUT OF A LINEUP IF HE LITERALLY WAS "SMOKIN'".

PPPS...Thank you for pseudo-endorsing the fat lizard...within days of telling the world that Todd was NOT speaking for you...WHEN HE ENDORSED "Boy Blunder".

Goodnight, Gracie!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Yet Another Collection of Short Stories

Sarah Palin doesn't "endorse" Newt.  Sarah Palin does, however suggest that she would vote for Newt in South Carolina..."if she could"...because she wants to see the primary continue.

TRANSLATION:

If you people hand the election over to Mitt too soon...how can I waltz in like the Diva you know I be...and save your day?

TRANSLATION:

Of course I can't endorse Willard...He's the Devil. Not could I endorse Tricky Ricky Sanitarium...God told me to take all of HIS supporters away. And, Newtie...well...he's just a fat lizard. Nobody loves him, anyway...Not even God.
_________________________________________
Andrew Kaczynski, of BuzzFeed outs the 2008McCain Opposition Research Bible, which the campaign had amassed on Mitt Romney. Serious KUDOS to Andrew.

QUESTION:

What is the real value of the Johnny McNuts endorsement NOW...since each and every one of the deep dark secrets, was 1) used by Insane McCain in 2008 TO DEFEAT "Mitt I Am"...and 2) will be plastered over everywhere by everybody, and be excepted on 8 million flyers which wil blanket the state between now and Saturday?

QUESTION:

Who, inside the Johnny McNuts camp, wanted soooooo much to derail the Romney Steamroller...that they would leak the TWO HUNDRED PAGE "Kill Will" Playbook?

ANSWER:

Ah...(Sarah "Glen Rice" Palin)?

Maybe.
_________________________________________
Given the virtual three-way divide in the republican party at the moment...all the White House needed to do to insure success in November...was:

"Don't shit the bed!"

Does anyone remember the name out the company Mitt Romney worked for? You know...the one that EVERYONE says doesn't care about anything but profit? Sent jobs overseas? Closed factories? Bankrupted businesses...and paid truck loads of cash to guys like, oh...MITT ROMNEY?

Ah...Bain Capital?

DING DING DING DING! GOOS ANSWER!

BREAKING NEWS!

President Obama names Jeffrey Zients as the new Acting Director of the White House Office of Management & Budget.

THIS JUST IN!

President Obama names Jeffrey Zients, FORMERLY OF BAIN CAPITAL, as the new Acting Director of the White House Office of Management & Budget.

HEARD THRU AN OPEN WHITE HOUSE WINDOW AT 3 A.M...

"Oh, Barrrrraaaaack! Get outta bed and wipe your butt, Honey. CARLA!! We're going to need a set of clean linens...a dozen scenes candles, and a case of FABREEZE!
_________________________________________

Three more shorts and a Feature Presentation on Wednesday.

Breaking News! Romney ADMITS HE LIED ABOUT TAXES!

Okay...so the actual hypocrisy isn't news. However, given the timing of the admission...immediate post-having been declared by Roger Ailes to be "Mitt the Inevitable," I'm shaking my head yet again.

Two hours ago, I was angered by the fact that Rick Santorum convinced himself, and his family that, not only would no one ever find out Momma had a thing for senior citizens...BUT, he was willing to disgrace his entire family for no more than the opportunity TO NOT BE ELECTED PRESIDENT.

NOW, only a few moments later, Mitt the Prevaicator, confirms what I've written about since he didn't release his tax returns in 2008.

So...in a post-Mitt acknowledging he is a lying blivet of steaming platypus dung...I ask the same question.

What RIGHT does Mitt Romney have to bitch about A TOP TAX RATE OF 35 PERCENT...implying that he and his quarter billion dollars ARE PAYING SAID 35 PERCENT...when HE KNOWS FOR A FACT...that 100% of his income is being taxed at FIFTEEN PERCENT?

If you want to be REAL...OPEN...HONEST...ABOVE BOARD...

...just come our and say, "I'm paying 15 percent...and I think everybody should pay 15 percent. In fact, I'll be introducing a new 15-15-15 Plan, as soon as I get done editing one of Herman Cain's old handouts".

But...just in case you thought that thus acknowledgment would be the precursor to getting an actual copy of Romney's Return...

...fo'get abou't it.

Yes, Virginia...The Mighty Mitt did NOT want you to know that YOU pay more tax on a percentage basis than he does.

But...Mitt will STILL not release his tax returns...because he will NEVER let you see WHERE THE MONEY COMES FROM...OR...

...HOW MUCH OF IT FIND ITS WAY BACK TO PROVO.

Ken Starr might say it's okay to VOTE for a Mormon...

...until that also means you're voting for a guy who gives $25,000,000.00 a year to a church fiunded by a guy who swore sn Angel told him where to find solid gold tablets, that he was the new Jesus, and that wearing Magic Underwear would keep Satan away from Nastyville.

WOW!

IN ONE 24 HOUR PERIOD...

...ROMNEY AND SANTORUM ARE BUSTED...(Newt & Perry were already outed)...and Ron Paul GETS BOOED for reciting THE GOLDEN RULE!

WHAT A COUNTRY!

NOW...where are all those letter-writer-biters who mocked me oornly when I said THE REAL NOMINEE ISN'T IN THIS RACE YET?

In Defense of Karen Santorum

Any good defense attorney has to decide whether to ignore the 7, 8, our even 900 pound gorillas resting on the prosecution table, or, confront them head-on at the opening of his argument, and then strategically ignore then while simultaneously redirecting the jury's attention to less damning information.

Okay, so...usually a good defense attorney doesn't advertise their approach to the art of persuasion. However, in this case...since I'm probably the least likely advocate to offer a defense of any kind on behalf of Mrs. Tricky Ricky Sanatarium...I choose to acknowledge certain flaws in both the character of my client, as well as in our ability to interpose anything resembling a blanket denial of the charges against her...and to close with an extraordinary presentation in not only suggestion, but establishment of the fact that this wonderful wife, mother and pillar of the community, is in fact, being totally and completely abused and made mock of by a media, and societal segment, for no more than mere sport.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Thank you for your time, as well as your service to this community, our Commonwealth, and to the United States of America.

You have heard hundreds of witnesses throughout the court of this trial. They've given statements accounts, opinions, perceptions...some from direct knowledge and observation...and others based upon no more than mere conjecture, innuendo, or circumstantial and immaterial ramblings of individuals whose only purpose was not to aid in your understanding of the events surrounding either the facts of this case, or your duty to arrive at a fair, impartial, informed and intelligent decision regarding my client, Karen Garver Santorum.

Throughout this trial, I've been completely candid with you at every turn. There have even been times when I've known full well that some of you would grab your note pads before I had completed a statement...while the rest of you wondered what I could possibly be thinking about, in giving you some particular piece of evidence.

I gave you that information because this isn't a game of three card monty. I'm not Penn...the Prosecutor isn't Teller...though, it might have been nice if Mr. Prosecutor "sounded" like Teller.

I gave you each and every piece of information because this isn't a game of any kind at all...this is a trial. And, in a trial under our system...the only thing that matters is the truth. Maybe the prosecutor would feel remarkable if he earned a conviction under circumstances where you never had an opportunity to know the truth.

I hope not...

...but I'm smart enough and savvy enough to know that we live in a world where winning isn't everything...it's the only thing.

But our Founding Fathers weren't of that mindset when they took out their fine quill pens and wrote the greatest Constitution the world has ever known. Those great men created the presumption of innocence and demanded that YOUR verdict, in THIS case, embody all that is truth and justice...because THIS IS..."THE AMERICAN WAY".

With these principles as our collective cornerstone, I'm comfortable acknowledging that my client's behavior over the last three decades has been somewhat inconsistent.

Yes, she did make herself available as a 22 year old nursing student, to a man who was not only old enough to be her grandfather...but whose first tender slap on her butt was to facilitate the breath of life into her newborn body.

Yes, for those from among you who haven't attended nursing school...it is just fine for you to be unaware of the fact that on Day 1 of a student's freshman year, each Dr. in every hospital within a ten mile radius of the institution is assigned at least one pretty young thing to take under his wing and of course...do with as he pleases.

We acknowledge the somewhat unusual willingness of a young woman to openly play for a man already eligible for early retirement under Social Security Administration Regulations existing at the time.

But, is this conclusive proof that my client was abused by her father, wacky uncle, grandfather, teacher or some old guy who was on disability from the steel mill and watched her one night at the age of six while Mr. & Mrs. Garver went to Pittsburgh to get a couple of really good Polish sausages?

Of course, it doesn't prove any of that...

...does it?

Yes...my client went from being kicked to the curb by a seventy year old man...immediately into the arms of a guy who acted like an eighty year old man...and wore the exact same sweaters as the former Apple of her Eye...and caretaker of her loins.

Yes, she later home-schooled all 49 of her children...no doubt in an effort to make sure none of them were ever co-opted by an older, or rather ANCIENT...DECREPIT...DINOSAUR of a predator of the type and kind who obviously framed her outlook on the universe.

Yes...she took on the persona of a crusading anti-abortion, clinic- bombing, flag-waving, cross-burning psychopath...when for the previous six years she waited each day with bated breath, at the door of her home, anxiously awaiting that moment when her common law husband would return...wash the unborn child off of his hands and face...and then bend her over the neatest stationary flat object.

We admit that my client spent six years living with an active abortionist, cooked for him, cleaned for him, was each and every bit the wife she has been to her current husband...and accepted the fruits of his labor and benefit of his treasure...without ever once shoving a photo of a mutilated fetus in anyone's face...or, making statements which could be deemed to have justified the killing of medical professionals, or the fire-bombing of occupied dwellings.

Does this make her current husband a fraud?

Of course it doesn't...

...does it?

After all...put yourself in HIS shoes for a moment.

Senator Santorum has had to live for almost TWENTY-TWO YEARS...knowing that only moments before he met my client...she was giving it up to a guy who was not, only OVER SEVENTY YEARS OLD...but who had been running his moldy little mitts ALL OVER HER BODY...SINCE THE DAYS SHE WAS BORN.

Can no one among us, not understand how that thought alone would drive a man out of his mind?

For God's sake we, as a nation of people who may yet have to endure a President Santorum...should be THANKFUL...that we now know at least some of the reasons "WHY"...the term "batshit crazy" ALWAYS either precedes or follows the man's name.

So WHAT...if the actions of my client between the ages of 22, and the day before she sidled up to a sitting US Congressman and told him she was STILL "afraid of the dark" appear a bit "off". As far as he knew...she had never done anything like that before...

...ever.

...honest, Ricky Baby.

Now...having said that, and hypocrisy being aside...THE TRUTH IS...that my client CANNOT be held responsible TODAY, for events which occurred THIRTY YEARS AGO...and for which IT IS CLEAR, that those actions were the result of:

1. Being very young,
2. Being very stupid,
3. Being in a setting where physicians treat the new crop of freshman nurses like new meat at the state penitentiary,
4. Being away from home for likely the very first time,
5. Being a person who was likely a prior victim of serious sexual abuse as a child, AND,
6. Being totally and completely unprepared to deal with any aspect of the real world...PROBABLY AS THE RESULT OF BEING HOME SCHOOLED.

I am sincerely sorry for what had happened to Mrs. Santorum. The part of her life which she had little control over...and I suggest that has been all of her life...she can't be held responsible for. She had obviously gone from being victimized by "someone," to being victimized by Dr. Tom Allen, Abortionist and pseudo-pedophile, to being totally co-opted by the former Senator from Pennsylvania.

They all USED HER...

...just for different purposes.

It doesn't change the truth. My client has said, done, and continues to do things, daily...which are thoroughly inconsistent with many, if not every other aspect of her prior existence.

No man, woman or even child is immune from thIs circumstance. People DO change, however. We grow. We adapt. We become smarter, better informed, more understanding...Our hearts and minds open to new thoughts and ideas. And yes...we come to know God.

He forgives us, and we learn to forgive ourselves, as well as those who aided in bringing about the destruction in the first place.

However...no redemption commences, absent an acknowledgment of the past. What is hidden, shall be made known. And, while for at least twenty-two years, one politician, claiming to be a Christian, has prayed fire the timely demise of the abortion doctor who owned and possessed the mind, body and soul of the mother of his childrdn FOR SIX YEARS...not once, during any of his, or her hate speeches...or those of their now teenage surrogates...did any of the people who THOUGHT they knew WHY...ever have any idea...

...ever...

...did they?

Does Rick Santorum despise abortion?

Or, the abortion doctor who at the age of NEARLY 100 now has news vans and satellite trucks  lined up in his driveway...and George Stephanopoulos wanting an answer to the burning question of whether or not he needed viagra to put wood to the Senator's wife?

My client's rage is REAL.

My client has every right and entitlement to be angry with whoever abused her earlier in her life, in order to prevent her from realizing how messed up it is to serve up the coochie TO THE DOCTOR WHO DELIVERED YOU...WHEN YOU ARE 22 AND HE IS PUSHING 70!

My client went from abuse, to abuse, to abuse...with limited aggregate knowledge and absent ANY understanding of how the world works.

In this respect, she was not only the perfect woman for a complete and total bag of shit, like Rick Santorum. More likely, she was the ONLY woman he could ever either find, or be interested in...

My client is guiltly of no more than being serially abused...and, of course...buying into the bullshit of her respective abusers.

DECADES AGO...I told Rick Santorum, to his face, that he was full if shit.

He still is...

...and now he's embarrassed his entire family, with a story HE KNEW WOULD COME OUT...

...and for what?

So a dying daughter will later know that he ran from her in her hour of greatest need to feed his own ego, while he gutted the family he's pretended to love.

No need to quit the race now, Rick. How many more lives could you crush? Enjoy your swan song, my Friend.

End times are upon you.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury...forgive my client, for she knew not what she was doing...

However...should you opt to fry her bastard husband...

...knock yourselves out.

Monday, January 16, 2012

5 Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Despite the fact that almost no one makes up their mind, or changes their mind on the strength of any one, or all of the 5,284 republican presidential debates which have taken place in the past three months...these things are kinda like Madonna kissing Britney, or that video of your brother soiling his white tux at your wedding.

You could watch 'em a million times, and still want to see it again.

That must be the reason that there will be yet another useless debate on Thursday...before an election which Fox News says is already over...in a campaign where Fox News also says has that the outcome is inevitable.

Maybe...that's why they only ask Ron Paul foreign policy questions, and don't interview him after any debates?

Rick Dubyah Perry proclaims that Turkey is ruled by Islamic Terrorists. Ron Paul reiterates the notion that spending trends of millions of dollars to build a new embassy in Iraq is a wasted expenditure.

And...1) Fox makes sure Perry gets post-debate face time, WITHOUT overtly mocking the idiot OR effecting an involuntary commitment to a psychiatric facility...2) Fox makes certain that the debate audience is given more time to boo Paul, than the candidate was given to answer questions, and 3) Bret Baier gets yet another two hours to openly flaunt the fact that he has either seen parts of Rupert Murdoch that shouldn't be shown to man our beast...OR...has got pictures, videos and signed confessions from Roger Ailes AND his favorite sheep.

I mean, the fifty-four Iowa debates were taxing. But, at least we had a.lunatic screaming, "9-9-9" every 26 seconds, some woman who lived in a shoe...and even though she had 147 children...not a ONE would lay claim to her after her 67th utterance of the name, "Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan," and some Jacklown in Magic Underwear, berating another member of the Brotherhood.

(That was, of course, until the first Jacklown packed it in and realized that the guy he had been bashing the bejesus out of...was really EITHER the honest to goodness best candidate...OR...the only other guy in the race that also wore Magic Underoos.)

I guess what made this debate stand out from the rest...was the fact that the South Carolinians in the audience completely and totally debunked virtually every negative stereotype anyone with live brain cells ever held, concerning the cracker-ass, bigoted, openly homophobic, flaming retards we have heard and read so much about.

I mean, it's not like they booed a specific reference to The Golden  Rule, or anything...

What? They...You're not...You can't be serious?

They booed THE GOLDEN RULE?

IN SOUTH CAROLINA?

THE HEART OF THE BIBLE BELT?

Yeah...let's make that point REAL clear. An entire arena of South Carolinians...most of whom spent yesterday seated in one of the state's  72,000 churches...BOOED THE GOLDEN RULE!

To be fair...they also booed a black faux journalist named Juan Williams, a question about black people in general...AND...applauded almost psychotically, the openly racist responses of two of the debate's "whitest" candidates...

...all on Martin Luther King's birthday.

Ah, yes...Martin Luther King. You all remember him.

He changed an entire Nation...but couldn't get South Carolina to change its Sheets.

Suffice it to say...that it will more than likely be the $12,000,000.00 which is being spent by only 5 candidates on negative ads over the next five days...AND NOT a single word said tonight, or on Thursday, which will send Rick Dubyah packing, and trigger the countdown on the Newt Gingrich Life Support Removal Timetable.

It couldn't possibly have anything to do with the red letter words of Jesus Christ...or the virtual impossibility of rational thought being trucked into the Great Hate of South Carolina, anytime in the next give days.

Man, am I happy that God has cable.

You pricks are gonna have to answer for that Golden Rule thing someday.

Brief update...Tricky Ricky Sanatarium.

Quick note:

Florida Evangelical Leaders confirm they are backing Tricky Ricky Sanatarium.

With Huntsman out...Perry gone Saturday, and Newt as the resident Dead Man Walking by the time of the Florida date...the Menage' a GOP will be set, wet...AND wild.

Old Line GOPers...Teabaggers...and the ReWhacktionary Right.

Who would YOU rather see "on top"?

The M&A King Strikes Again!

You can take Willard Hu-Bain Romney out of the Executive Washroom. But you can't take the corporate raider out of Hu-BAIN.

As I suggested last week...the consolidation of multiple candidates within the three primary ideological divides of the republican party was sure to begin, not later than the departure of Rick Dubyah Perry, in the minutes after South Carolina polls close next Saturday.

The Evangelical Elites endorsing Tricky Ricky Sanatarium...and Tea Party Bosses giving their nods to Ron Paul, makes the ultimate demise of Newton of Lizardville that much more predictable, as well. In Newt's case, the only real issue will end up being the exact date and time that Calista finds him in the garage with the engine running.

In light of these developments, taking into account, Willard Hu-BAIN Romney's most recent poll numbers in South Carolina...quite clearly, the most appropriate and politically expedient course of action was to try to take maximum advantage of what might be the last primary where factions other than his own are forced to divide up their respective aggregate market shares.

It doesn't take a former investment banking CEO to know that adding the 5 or 6% of the South Carolina vote which would have gone to Huntsman...to the current margin enjoyed in the latest round of polling...while the Three Stooges continue to whack up the Evangelical and war-mongering psycho right vote...would reinforce three notion of inevitability, heading into as Florida.

The key endorsement pickups by Sanatarium and Ron Paul may have accelerated Hu-BAIN's time frame...but my guess is, all it cost The Boss, was the same promise that even Rick Dubyah would have made to Huntsman...namely to ship his Mandarin Speakin' ass back to the world's leading economic and military power just in time for China to commission its 2nd aircraft carrier, and invite Ambassador Huntsman to pilot that Nation's first Lunar Lander.

And...absent Rick Dubyah and The Lizard beating feet before Saturday, Hu-BAIN will have conducted a pretty darned effective pre-emptive strike against both Ron Paul and Tricky Ricky.

Don't read more into thus piece than its intended. I'm by no means conceding the existence of inevitability on the part of Mitt Hu-BAIN. However, his lightening fast response to the Saturday jackhammering he took from the Evangelicals and the Teabaggers...was fairly impressive.

Romney MAY win next Saturday's event...though the impact of the Saturday endorsements will need a few weekdays to shake out. It also remains to be seen whether the Evangelicals now move on Rick Dubyah to go on permanent hiatus, given the Huntsman departure.

Either way...in relatively short order, this race will be down to, as I indicated some time ago...a heads up contest between the Tea Party, the Evangelical & Reactionary Right...and the Old Guard of the Party.

And trust me...if it appears, for even so much as a millisecond, that Willard Hu-BAIN Romney can't put the Old Guard in the end zone...they will waste no time at all in bustin' a political cap in his flip-floppin' derriere...and bringing one of the half dozen or more shadow candidates lurking in the underbrush.

Wow! It is most certainly going to be a WILD week. I just wish I had taped Huntsman seizing out in Mandarin at the other debate. It was classic. If anybody has that...would you email me, please.

See you on a few hours, and PLEASE...click an ad or two while you're here. It costs you nothing...but, it does keep Milkbones in the puppy dish.

Thanks!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Countdown to South Carolina...Exit the Lizard

Just when you think that the stories proclaiming the impending coronation of Willard Hu-BAIN Romney could contain an element of truth...the floodates of potentially significant endorsements operate to teach even the most confident of pundits not to make their move too,soon.

On the same day Mitt Romney saw a recent poll declare him to have increaed his reported lead to nearly 20 points...Rick Santorum received the endorsement of the 150 high level ministers, who met yesterday at a private ranch in Texas.

Not only did Santorum, a Catholic, secure the endorsement of a group of ministers who have routinely referred to the Catholic church as "a cult," but within minutes of the  announcement...cars in church parking lots all over South Carolina were being peppered with anti-gay paraphernalia...suggesting that Romney might just be the  illegitimate love child of Rosie O'Donnell and Rock Hudson.

In case that wasn't enough to keep your mind off of the blasphamous act which saw God teach Tim Tebow the meaning of the word respect, AND...what happens to you when you show up at the prayer window AGAIN...knowing that you've had three lifetime's worth of miracles already...Ron Paul showed up at Mike Chuckleberry's party with bruises on both arms from all the shots in them that he received yesterday.

While Newt was confirming the cancellation of reservations in Florida and across the nation...and trying to figure out how on the Hell he'll explain things to Shelly Adelman, Ron Paul was picking up the Tea Party Endorsrment and winning the Texas Straw Poll.

Where do I start?

The Santorum Endorsement, by the Evangelicals was downplayed...because the group failed to vote to pressure any of the other candidates to get  out of the race. It was too late to help Tricky Ricky in South Carolina. Rank & File Evangelicals will ignore the endorsement because Santorum isn't a real Christian...He's Catholic. These are the Chuckleberry crowd...and Mikey C. is lobbying hard to climb on the Willard Wagon as his Ambassador to Fiji.

On the other hand, as I mentioned, within hours of the announcement, and again today, church parking lots all over the Palmetto State were blistered with "Romney is a Homo" materials. Also, in the Texas Straw Poll...an ousted senator from a Northern State, kicked the living crap out of the guy who has been the sitting governor of Margaritville for the last eleven years.

M'kay...so Rick Dubyah Perry hasn't blazed much of a trail anywhere else, but...Carry On My Wayward Son, for God's sake. This is Texas. Yes, it's a Straw Poll...and Michele Bachmann can explain the insignificant nature of those results to cab drivers, bartenders, paid escorts, and anyone else compensated to care.

However...this wasn't Ioway...this was a state that actually matters. And...yes, Ron Paul is also a favorite son. But...only in his congressional district, as opposed to the entire state.

So, was Sen. Sanatarium aided in Texas, by the Evangelical Endorsement...which was made after a meeting which took place at a Texas ranch? Would those Flyers suggesting that Mitt packs a mean box of fudge, have gone out when they did, or at all?

And, if Santorum was, is, our will get votes out of the deal...where do they come from, if no one else gets forced out of the race? More on that in a moment.

As to Mitt...Does he really have a 20 point lead? Did he, before the events of the weekend? What is the real value in trotting out two guys who will die considering their lives to have been failures...because they couldn't get elected president themselves? Was that REALLY Mike Chuckleberry on his knees in Gov. Romney's Green Room? And, if so...why? Did he not get the memo from Gary Bauer?

As to Ron Paul...What its the real value of a Tea Party Endorsement today? Does a straw poll win even in Texas, mean anything? What happened since the previous South Carolina poll results where Ron Paul was climbing to within striking distance of Mitt the Inevitable?

As to Willard Hu-BAIN Romney...Have the old liners really won? Already? Do we really have to care about paying both attention and homage to the likes of Mitch McConnell, Little Johnny Boner, and the collection of halitosis-laden, hair on their hands, steaming mounds of ambulatory monkey-donkey shit?

For the answers to these and other burning questions of the universe...AND, AS USUAL...the very first definitive call of the South Carolina Results...

See me back here...in about 4 hours.

I have to go to my own church, to see if my failure to support Tricky Ricky...will have me tossed out, tattoooo'd, tarred...feathered, AND, forced to return my key to The Pearly Gates.

Peace!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Haley Barbour...A Symptom of a Much Bigger Problem

Yes, I know there is a presidential primary in South Carolina in Four days.

Yes, that primary has the absolute potential to reshape the balance of power in the republican race for the White House.

Yes, this Blog has dealt exclusively with, and is dedicated to matters relating to the presidential election of 2012.

However, as I contemplated today's intended topic, I not only became more and more disgusted with what Haley Barbour...one of the longtime advocates of the death penalty...for parking tickets, had done on his final day in office as Mississippi Governor.

But, I took a longer, harder and much more critical look at a few republucan governors, the pattern and practice of serious abuses and/or deficiencies, and saw clearly that the South Carolina Primary would have to take a temporary back seat.

Let's start with a few unmistakable and undeniable ironies associated with the Barbour pardons...right after we note a fee key background items involving Haley Barbour.

Haley Barbour wasn't simply a two term Governor of Mississippi. He had been a long time political operative of another infamous republican governor, that of course being, Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan Ronald Reagan.

Barbour also served for four years as the Chairman of the Republican National Committee, orchestrating and overseeing the presidential campaign of Robert Dole.

Barbour became the Chairman of the republian Governor's Conference, after his good friend, colleague, and family values maven, Mark Sanford, then the two term Governor of South Carolina, professed to be lost in the wilderness of the Appalachian Trail...when he was in fact, 4,973 miles from his office, and in Argentina, having an affair with a woman he told his wife...was his true soulmate.

Before that event...Sanford was being hailed as a viable republican presidential nominee.

Back to Governor Barbour...for a moment. During the 2000 presidential election between Al Gore and Texas Governor , George Dubyah Bush...Harbour openly suggested that THE DEMOCRATS were orchestrating a plan to make sure that in states where small numbers of votes could tip the scale in their favor...that votes would be cast BY FELONS, in or out of prisons, and by EX-FELONS...WHO WOULD THEN OWE THEIR VOTE...TO THE PARTY OF THE GOVERNOR WHO PARDONED THEM.

In 2012...when Governor Barbour FINALLY offered ANY explanation for pardoning 200+ felons, including over a dozen murderers, additional rapists, and Brett Favre's brother, serving time for involuntary manslaughter...Barbour stated that he granted the pardons...SO THEY COULD HUNT...AND VOTE.

Ignore the hypocrisy associated with making sure felons and ex-felons would be pardoned, JUST IN TIME TO VOTE IN A PRESIDENTIAL YEAR...presumably "owing their vote to the party who freed them"...which is what Barbour specifically accused democrats of doing in TWO prior presidential election years.

Look MORE CLOSELY...at the fact that Barbour...wanted MURDERS...TO BE ABLE TO LAWFULLY HUNT!

Presuming, that these new LEGAL HUNTERS...weren't going to be doing their HUNTING...WITH THEIR BARE HANDS...what Haley Barbour used as part of his justification FOR PARDONING CONVICTED MURDERS...WAS THE FACT THAT HE WANTED THESE MURDERERS...TO BE ABLE TO LAWFULLY PURCHASE AN UNLIMITED NUMBER OF HANDGUNS, SHOTGUNS, AND HIGH-POWERED HUNTING RIFLES...CAPABLE OF COURSE, OF BEING MADE FULLY AUTOMATIC WITH THE MERE TWIST OF A SCREWDRIVER.

Did we say that Barbour had been a longtime advocate of maximum sentences for minimum offenses?

But then, I guess if the felons buying the automatic weapons owe their allegiancesTO YOU...well...so what if they might still be a little pissed at THE COPS, DISTRICT ATTORNEYS AND JUDGES WHO PUT THEM IN JAIL.

...Not Barbour's problem.

Oh...and, up until racist comments made by Barbour forced him to bow out of a 2012 run FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES...HE WAS POLLING HIGHER THAN ANY OTHER PROSPECTIVE CANDIDATE...and had visited Iowa, and formed an exploratory committee to raise funds for his impending presidential effort.

So...we've mentioned Haley Barbour and South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Let's talk about a few more recent republican governors.

It's significant to address here, not only that Batbour was at one time a leading potential presidential candidate...but also, the fact that two of the last three republican presidents were also governors, and took the path identical to that which had been plotted out by Barbour.

The Vice Presidential candidate of the republican party in 2008 was a republican governor. Three of the top five current republican presidential candidates were governors...Rick Perry, Jon Huntsman, and Mitt the Inevitable.

Three more former republican governors have either dropped out of the 2012 presidential race, or are non factors...Tim Pawlenty, Gary Johnson and Buddy Roemer.

Another republican governor with future presidential ambitions, Scott Walker, will next week, not only have enough recall signatures filed in order to secure a vote, but actually...a number of signatures greater than fifty percent of his vote total received when he was first elected to office. Senior Walker Aides have already been indicted for crimes committed both before and during Walker's run for governor...and Walker himself is carrying very short odds on a bet that he will himself be indicted, perhaps even before he can be recalled.

Sarah Palin, former disgraced Alaska republican governor abandoned her office while under numerous investigations, and it could certainly be concluded that her exodus might also have operated as a ploy to avoid prospective indictment. In Palin's case...actual criminal conduct, or prospective indictment being aside...her personal, professional and political improprieties have been well-documented, are in many ways not at all in dispute...and yet, as recently as YESTERDAY, this disgraced former republican governor, who abused her office, and is alleged to have acted both morally and ethically...if not legally repugnant to the bible-thumping persona which she adopted in full P.T.Barnum/Jimmy Swaggart, et al fashion...is now taking direct aim, at another former republucan governor...Mitt the Inevitable...either as a shill for another announced candidate...or, because, as I've previously suggested...warts and all, this former despicable republican governor may yet seek the 2012 presidential nomination.

On to the fine qualities of more republican governors and former governors.

Rick Perry's manipulation of the Texas pension system...whereunder he is being permitted to collect his full salary, FOR WORKING as the Texas Governor...even though he is running for president and NOT WORKING AS TEXAS GOVERNOR...AND TO SIMULTANEOUSLY COLLECT...A FULL PENSION...as if he were actually a retired person and NOT WORKING AS A STATE EMPLOYEE...at a time when foreclosures, unemployment and general suffering in Texas and elsewhere are at all time highs...doesn't bother THIS CHRISTIAN...ONE BIT.

And, he doesn't mind telling you, either.

Perry also proudly boasts of creating a million new jobs in Texas, as Governor...BUT...never once acknowledges that half of those new jobs were created by federal stimulus funds...with the other half being jobs STOLEN FROM NORTHERN STATES...which again, he has no problem campaigning in those same northern states...and TELLING THOSE NORTHERN VOTERS...HE WILL DO THE SAME THING TO CREATE NEW JOBS AS PRESIDENT, that he did as governor.

Translation...Perry will create more federal jobs, and push unemployment in northern states to 100%...

...all the while going to church, professing his faith, taking food out of the mouthes of those who can't afford to eat...and, oh...yeah...making more and more and more land deals with lobbyists and supporters, in order to go from an admitted struggling farmer...to multi-millionaire.

M'kay...Scott Walker, Haley Barbour, Sarah Palin, Mark Sanford. Who else do we know that should be noted?

What about Arnold Schwarzenegger?

beautiful wife. Beautiful kids. Saviour of Kal-lee-faw-nee-ah, after the financial debacle caused by Gray Davis.

All Arnold did was go from pay-to-play, to OH, YEAH....SUPER DUPER PAY TO PLAY! Arnold left the state exponentially worse off than when he took office. Oh, and he went to sleep in his wife's bed FOR OVER A DECADE...WHILE ANOTHER FAMILY VALUES REPUBLICAN WAS BONING THE MAID...IN THE SAME BED HE CUDDLED HIS WIFE, was funneling millions of community property to the maid and their bastard son...AND, MOST UNBELIEVABLE...WAS COOPERATING WITH A MOVEMENT STARTED BY OTHER REPUBLICAN GOVERNORS...TO AMEND THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES...

...so this republican governor could lawfully RUN FOR PREDSIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

I promise...I was not going to mention Jeb Bush in this grouping...however, since George Dubyah and Laura Bush popped off just yesterday, and said that not only had they encouraged Jeb to run in the past...but that they STILL BELIEVE JEB COULD RUN...AND WIN, well...there is that little matter of the Jeb Bush/Katherine Harris combination and conspiracy resulting in the theft/bloodless coup of 2000, which resulted in one republican governor pseudo fixing an electoral result which operated to install another republucan governor...his own brother, into the White House.

Of course as I said yesterday...after the George Dubyah presidential abortion...it doesn't matter what kind of president Jeb would have made. Even without recalling the Katherine Harris moment in the sun...Jeb can't run now, until the last person who was twelve years old in 2008, has been planted.

Recapping...and not including the disgraced former Maryland republican governor and indicted Nixon VEEP, Spiro T. Agnew, we've discussed Haley Harbour, Sarah Palin, Mitt Romney, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jeb Bush, George Dubyah Bush, Rick Perry Mark Sanford, Scott Walker...and WE DON'T EVEN HAVE TIME TO GET TO Jim Gibbons of Nevada, the impeachment and removal of Arizona republican governor Evan Meachsm...or...why every one of the republican governors, from Sanford, to Barbour, to Schwarzenegger, Palin, Jeb Bush, Rick Perry and even Evan Meachem...KNOWING IN THEIR HEARTS AND MINDS...EXACTLY WHAT THEY DID...

...still have or had their eyes on even a much larger prize.

Haley Barbour pardoning murderers SO THEY CAN LAWFULLY BUY AUTOMATIC WEAPONS & VOTE STRAIGHT REPUBLICAN...is not "the problem".

The problem is that a man who would do that...and a dozen others as bad or worse, have all been, or still are a cab ride and a hearty laugh away from running the greatest nation which Mother Earth has ever known.

THIS is why the 99%, cannot and will not give up.

And THIS is what will destroy us from within. If we don't change the things which we truly look for in our leaders.

And sadly...I'm losing faith in our ability to make all, or any of it go away.